The phrase “failure to thrive” resonates within my head. Thoughts reverberating -  my mind wearied as images and perceptions are smashed against the bone of my skull. I am exhausted as failure thrives.

Memories of a failed relationship grip my heart. I see shadows and ghosts that reveal themselves in the dark corners. Darkness encroaches and unresolved conflict remains. Perhaps is it no longer perceived as conflict - because the feeling is gone. Perhaps nothing remains. Thus, the terror intensifies. This is heart ache.

I once had a dear friend - she and I were as different as the day is from night. I was loud, jovial and loved adventure. She was quieter, deep-thinking and goal-oriented. We even looked very different. I was the strawberry-blonde, vivacious girl of summer while she was the intense brunette who expressed herself best through her art.

I loved this woman. Well, at least I tried to love her. At times I think I successfully loved her. We were college roommates, ministry house buddies, and we shared many of our most joyful and sorrowful moments. We celebrated as she became engaged, and

I long to watch this with Jen once more.

then wept bitterly upon hearing that her fiancée had hung himself. My poor, dear friend.

I asked her to be my maid of honor at my wedding - she accepted. We really did have many amazing times together. Even after I married we would get together - not as frequently as I ought or she needed. I recall one day that we did laundry together and watched Anne of Green Gables.

She told me that I always reminded her of Anne or of Laura Ingles - smart but explosive - a reactor with drive. I wonder if she knew how much that meant to me. I still cannot watch Little House or Anne of Green Gables without thinking of my friend - without crying. You see, I miss her.

My dear friend and I had this little problem - which grew into a huge horrible monster - devouring all in its wake. So many things were lost - relationships, unity and finally the entire small group of 10. (Small groups were a new “wine skin” that was put into practice in Xenos Columbus in the early 1990’s. They were to replace the Home Church structure.) The greatest loss, other than my friend, was the scarring on my heart which nearly made it impossible for me to be willing to love again. I was so afraid and discouraged - to the point of despair and of depression.

What happened (as best as I can explain) is this. My friend did not feel loved by me - I am sure some of that was legitimate - after all I was quite the silly, ego-centric infantile. She became visibly upset and hostile towards me in our small group and cell group settings. She would glare at me from across the floor or table - where ever we were - it did not matter.

The crazy bizzaro thing is that - she never told me verbally that I had hurt her. So, I decided that I would just let the “little baby sulk.” I decided that it was her problem and that she could just deal with her bad feelings and could come and talk with me. To be fair to her - I know I probably did something - but I did not actually know what the offense was.

The most shocking part of this story is not that two infantile women went at each other (in silence) - but what the Body of Christ did and did not do. That Body allowed us to come to meetings unresolved. She would glare and I would act  warm and friendly - oblivious to her pouting. I enjoyed acting like we were just fine. It was funny to see her tantrum in silence.

Not one person confronted either one of us. In fact, I later found that she went to the other women in my small group and talked to them and that they all agreed that I was not really her friend and that she could write me off.

I did not find this out until months later when I finally went to my friend to repent. I realized that I was in “sin” and had hurt her and that we were affecting the church. I hoped to reconcile. She informed me that she had forgiven me, but that we had never been friends so what was the point in pretending to be friends.

The relationship failed to thrive. As a result I failed to thrive and became as one dead. I was devastated. It took an enormous toll on my Christian walk. I ceased to grow. Not only did I lose a friend, I felt as if I could not trust the women in my cell. I locked my heart and threw away the key.

So why does this past failure weigh so heavily on my heart? Why now? My life and my sin is not unique. Relationships are so messy and sticky and we are guaranteed to hurt one another. There will always be people in our lives who are different from us and yet we are called by God to love them.

We as believers do not have the right to continue in sin against our brothers or sisters. As individuals we must repent. Our sin is like yeast and it will spread to others. Sin takes on a life all of its own. My home group disintegrated - it started with the conflict of two people - yet everyone got caught up in the fury of the storm.

As a body of believers, we must encourage one another so that we persevere in love and so that the deceitfulness of sin may not harden our hearts. If someone is hating someone else, go and talk to them. They may be able to be won.

Looking back on my broken friendship, I am so grieved. It did not have to end that way. We should have remained dear friends. Or at least friends.

So what causes a failure to thrive? In medicine this term refers to infants that do not put on weight or who do not grow as expected. Researchers believe that a cause is inadequate nutrition.

What feeds a believer? Scripture say it is:

…man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. - Deuteronomy 8:3

If we are not engaged in our word - getting fed - getting nourished we will not thrive - we will not grow - our development will be arrested. We cannot speak into someone else’s life when we are malnourished ourselves. We have to get fed. Plain and simple.

So what causes failure - to thrive? Not seeking out the Lord and his incite - not seeking out advice from mature brothers and sisters.We need to talk to others and to be open about problems and to be willing to hear things that we may not like. Things like:

“Hey, Lisa you are pretty evil - pretending that there is not a problem in your  relationships.”

“How can you say that you love God - when you obviously hate your sister.”

“How can you minister to others - when you are a deceived hypocrite?”

Oh - how I wish that someone had rebuked me in love - the goal to not only restore the relationship between my old roomie and I  - but also to build and transform my character. Oh how I long to be united in love with her - perhaps in glory - when every tear is wiped away - I will be able to stand face to face with her and rejoice that now we are unified - that all the silly barriers of the past have dissipated.

But for now - my heart bears the weight of that sorrow - of relational separation. What Jen and I meant for evil - God has used it for good. I now see so clearly that it is worth fighting for people and relationships. That love must prevail over fear and hate - oh that sin had not clouded my sight - oh that our relationship was restored,

“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.”

Repentance is not just for those who are non-believers. Repentance is also for believers who fall into sin. “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” Revelations 3:19. Paul and Peter both call believers to repentance as well.

2 Corinthians 7: 9-10

9I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.

10For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

2Peter 3:9

9The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

This is a study of repentance. This study was spurred by fact that I am supposed to teach about it. I feel so incredibly inadequate to teach others about something I feel that I barely comprehend - something I wrestle with frequently. Often I must grapple with understanding what genuine repentance is. Seeing through the fog of the deceitfulness of sin can be difficult - at times seemingly impossible. I need to go back to the basics.

Metanoia is the Greek word for repentance - it is the word used in the New Testament and it is used nearly 70 times there. Meta means “change” and nous means “mind.” “Changing one’s mind” does not give full weight to what the word metanoia conveys, rather it is a change of heart.

A close look at the heart reveals wickedness

The problem with everyone is not necessarily that we think wrong - of course, we do. But, the deeper issue is that our hearts are corrupt. Jeremiah describes the heart as “desperately wicked” - so wicked that it cannot be understood. God understands the heart of man though and he knows how to go about changing it.

First we need to see that we are sinners. We just don’t have a little problem - or make mistakes. We sin. 1 John 1:8 says:

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 7:9 that we need to be brought to a point of sorrow. Seeing your sin and that sin is wrong that is part of repentance. We need to hurt and grieve so that we can be healed. It is like an infection. The nasty stuff needs to be removed - often extraction can be very painful. So it is with sin - so it is with character change.

Part of that healing involves confessing that we have sinned. 1 John 1:9 says:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

This change of heart thing is crucial to understanding and experiencing the joy of salvation. Moving from ingratitude to thankfulness is foundational for our character’s to undergo Godly transformation.

Scripture says that the natural man does not acknowledge God or give Him thanks. The natural man demands and rages that he wasn’t treated fair by “the rules” or by others. When people do not play by our set of rules, we freak out and cry out for justice. When we demand justice, we do not understand truly what we are asking. When we do not receive what we deem as just - we become filled with rage. God says that we deserve death and punishment. That is what we are asking for - death.

James 2:4 says that we judge with evil motives - that we make distinctions among ourselves. A standard has been set and everyone better meet that standard or “look out” there is a price to pay.

This is where repentance comes into play. A person must move from a raging beast - filled with ingratitude - to someone who understands that nothing is owed to him - to someone whose heart is thankful.

This starts with feeling that you are loved - because someone big and powerful - like God - has loved you. When someone no longer feels alone - that they no longer have to scratch and claw their way to importance - they can give to others. This person begins to understands just how “rich” they truly are.

This person no longer reacts to others, but can now proactively extend love to others. This is movement towards the heart of God. God’s heart is defined by love. God moves toward us. It is because of God’s pure love that mankind has the opportunity to be redeemed - to be reconciled with his Creator.

Being created in His image and indwelled by the Spirit, Christians can now love as God intended. Love can be lived in this world among God’s chosen people - among those who have been bought with a price. The depraved beast can be transformed and now can experience authentic love relationships.

When I was young, I believed that repentance was some strange ritual or outward expression of sorrow or grief that God needed me to perform for Him so that He would be satisfied with me. What I failed to understand was that repentance is not for God’s benefit, rather it is for mine - that I may live life and live it abundantly.

God is not asking me to rub ashes in my hair, or to cease eating chocolate or even to weep or beat my breast in anguish. What he desires is that I allow Him to do His work in my heart. All I need to do is to allow God to take my stony heart and to transform it to one of flesh - to one that can feel - not for myself - but to feel for others and to give to others.

The cleansing power of the cross

So repentance is actually in my best interest. It is a change from the inside out. It is a mysterious transformation - that the natural man does not understand. The sorrow that is felt is only temporary - it leads to new life. A sick heart can be healed and renewed. How amazing is that.

David got this as he cried out to the Lord to wash him clean and to renew a right spirit with in him. Psalm 51 has always been one of my favorites.

So strange that I was so preoccupied with the lamenting - the pleading of David - that I overlooked that King David was calling on God to do the work of cleansing.  It is the work of God that restores a man’s heart. So I sing with David:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Yes, Lord it is your work to bring to completion.

Change my heart.

Mommy, I'm here

After 24 hours of irregular labor and 12 hours of progressively intensified “pangs,” combined with back labor, my first son was born. Needless to say, I was exhausted and overjoyed that my son was born. Contrary to what the nurses told me, Evan was not rushed to the ICU - he had not aspirated the meconium. They did not need to extract him with forceps - he had turned to a favorable position prior to birth. Everything had gone better than the professionals had projected.

“Is it over?” I gasped to the woman at my side. She had vigilantly watched over me and not left me since the heart monitor had crashed. She was there as they lifted my son up so that I could see him. She just smiled back at me and quipped, “No, it’s not over. It’s only just begun.” The team rushed Evan to the neonatal unit for further clean up and observation. I did not get to hold my son. Gulp.

Welcome to the pain and joy of motherhood. That wise-cracking nurse sure knew what she was talking about. I’m sure she had a few kids well under her wing by that time. She must have been a prophet of sort.

Fourteen years later and three sons more, I clearly understand what she meant. It has only just begun. Joy and pain. Both such strong emotions are tied so tightly to motherhood.

This weekend was filled with immense joy - both Noah and Henry had their birthdays. Noah turned 11 (a prime number, he reminded all) and Henry turned 9. They were both so grateful and joy filled. Such wonderful memories were made this weekend. My heart is over flowing with tears of joy.

We did not have extravagant parties - just a cake and a present. We dined as a family on each boy’s menu of choice. Henry chose beef and broccoli and Noah mac and “cheez.” An impromptu sleep over topped the weekend off - as each boy had a friend stay over night. It was such a lovely time. That is the joy.

Now for the pain. Today I held my son as he wept - twice. First he cried for a new classmate whose brother died last Halloween. Henry was so distraught. He could not contain his sorrow for his new friend Ollie. Then later, he openly wept as he told me about some school troubles.

I guess fifth graders have been asking him if he is Noah’s brother. At first, I thought that these kids were being mean or even hitting Henry. Henry was so upset as he told me about these children. Further questioning revealed the painful truth.

Henry does not want to acknowledge that he is Noah’s brother because most of the fifth grade boys tease and do not like Noah. Henry is rather popular and relishes his band of friends. Henry does not want to be the brother of the outcast or to become an outcast by association with his brother.

My heart broke. For both of my sons. I wept for Noah because I know just how terrible the boys treat him. He does have the one friend who stands up for him. But this boy is taking some heat. Will Noah’s best friend leave him? Now Noah’s brother does not want to acknowledge him. Noah loves Henry. These brothers are so close - what will become of their relationship?

My heart broke for Henry too. He so wants to be popular. He does not want to suffer for another’s sake. Henry and I talked - he does not ever want anyone to ask or to know that he and Noah are brothers. Henry told me that he is afraid of being hated like Noah is.

I asked Henry if he knew what it meant to love someone. To really love someone. He said he did. Then I told him if that was so - then he understands that he may need to suffer - like people knowing that he is Noah’s brother. I asked Henry how he thought his denial would make Noah feel? Henry wept once more as he acknowledged that Noah would be sad.

My heart wept

I told Henry that sometimes loving someone means that you feel sad too - even if it is unfair. Henry just cried and told me, “But I’m just so afraid.” All I could do is hold my son. My heart wept with sorrow.

So, the joy and pain of motherhood never ends - I certainly do not have all the answers, but I so know that Jesus understands this sort of pain - this sort of joy. For the moment, I’m okay with that. I am so tempted to go running about and raising hell at the school.

I know that I must do something about this trouble at school - but exactly what is the question. I know that in this horrible world there will always be bullies and that there will always be wimps - but it really hurts to see Noah suffer.

Henry is suffering too. Part of me is angry with him - but I understand that it is so hard to stand up to ridicule - especially when you are a little sanguine prince.

For now, I am going to be still and seek the Lord out on this. Oh, the joy and sorrows of motherhood. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I went to high school with Cooey. In fact, I sat in the same driver’s ed car as he did. He was short and pudgy. I recall his round, pale face only brightened by a splattering of freckles and copper hair. His stone cold eyes stared blankly back at me as I forgot to slow down for a stop sign. I think his eyes were blue. He was not a warm person.

I remember that day so well when Cooey was arrested. I had just returned from Morgan Adhesives. I had a summer job compounding emulsions and solutions. I spent a lot of time around volatile glue. I wondered if I had heard the newscaster correctly, after all I had been in a fume-filled lab all day. Then an image of a round, ruddy man, face hidden, walking into the jail blazed across the old RCA television screen. It was him. I was not confused.

Since that day, I have followed this case with interest. What outrage the local community felt. Such a great loss of life. Such great pain. Where was the justice? Why was he allowed to live such a long life compared to that of his victims?

Today justice was finally enacted. Richard died at 10:26 am by lethal injection. All final appeals were denied. He was taken to Lucasville Monday afternoon. There he died.

I thought some how that I would feel “better” knowing that justice had been served - that he had to pay for what he had done. He was an enemy of society. He was evil. He had to give up his life. I felt worse.

Evil. That is how all men are before the holiness of God. We are His enemies. We determine what is right in our own eyes. We deserve judgment. You see, God demands that a price be paid for sin. Someone has to pay the price.

I’d like to consider myself a “pretty good” person. I have never robbed, raped or murdered anyone. Compared to Cooey, I am a saint. In the sight of God, I am just as evil and guilty as this murderer is. God sees Cooey and I as the same.

Only by the grace of God have I been deemed righteous. What a debt of gratitude I owe. Someone had to pay the price for my sin - to set me free from the debt of sin that I owe. God demands perfection. As much as I’d like to believe I am perfect - I am far from that. I am quite the sinner. Christ came to free the prisoners from their bondage. He came to redeem. Christ’s death bought me back from death. I am His.

This brings me back to Cooey. Instead of feeling better, I feel so sorrowful. God does not want anyone to perish, but all to come to repentance.

2Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

God extended 22 years to this man who butchered Dawn McCreery and Wendy Offredo. He had the opportunity to come to repentance. God did not want, even Cooey, to perish. He wanted Richard to have a personal relationship with him.

I guess Richard Cooey had a terrible upbringing. A lot a bad things happened in his life. God had mercy on Cooey up until his death. I wonder if he ever came to know Christ.

I deserve the wrath of God to be poured out on my head. I deserve to perish. Praise God for His unending mercy that he sought me out and that I responded to his calling. I accepted His free gift and now have a relationship with Him. I am now alive.

In light of these things, I realize that God desires all men and women to come into a relationship with him - not just the “nice” people or the smart people or the beautiful people - but everyone - whether they are mean, ignorant or just plain ugly.

Jesus came to save sinners - not the righteous. Sinners like me and yes, sinners like Richard Cooey.

Grace is truly amazing - and so contrary to the reason of man.

On occasion I would wonder was I Jewish. Were people seeing something I couldn’t see? After all my father was adopted and his biological father was a Russian immigrant who moved here near the 1930’s. Many Jews left Europe prior to the war. I wondered, “Was my grandfather Jewish?”

I found this fun web site - about origins of Surnames. My father’s adopted name has Jewish origins. I never knew Gerber was Hebrew. I thought it to be German.

When my dad was adopted - his adoption was open. That was very unusual for adoptions of the day. Most were closed - no information was shared. He had an opportunity to meet his biological mother - she has an Eastern European background. He decided to never meet her or his maternal siblings. He never had contact with his father.

The question still stands, “Why was this adoption open?”

Still there is the mystery of my biological grandfather. Who was he really? Why did his family immigrate to the United States? Do I have a Jewish background?

I suppose it does not really matter, but this silly web site just got me thinking. Maybe I am a Jewish American Princess. That is just an outrageous thought.

The schools must be on to us parents who refuse to buy crap just to support non-necessary benefits for the school. Benefits like Parcheesi, Muffins for Mom and Doughnuts for Dad are not really vital for education. They are niceties in a disjointed society, but as for a fair and equitable education - they are mere fluff. These fund-raising companies have become very clever.

I read the parent fund-raising flyer. I scanned the brochure quickly to glean what the minimum prize for a sale would be. I had to grab my face to keep my eyeballs from flying out of my head. This year’s prize was attendance at a school function - a magic show to be precise. Those who sell a minimum of 3 items get to attend the performance while those who fail are excluded.

That is so hitting below the belt. I now have to decide if I want my sons to be excluded from a school event. The worthy students get to go to a magic pep rally while those who fail are left behind in class. The hair on the back of my neck stands straight. I am revved up for a battle - one that is useless.

My youngest two sons are not the most included children in school. They struggle relationally more than most. It doesn’t help that they are so competitive and that they actually enjoy sales. While in scouts they went door to door and sold hundreds of dollars of popcorn. For some strange reason, I arbitrarily had no problem with that endeavor. I suppose I viewed scouts somehow worthy. It had some merit worthy of the time and effort. I do not view this as worthy.

The items found in this flyer are lame - $7.00 for some chocolate covered peanuts. The portion is tiny. How outrageous and wasteful! Then there is the wrapping paper - $8.00 per roll. Does anyone spend that much on paper that is going to be ripped into shreds? Dang.

So, filled with ire, I share this quandary. What is a mother to do? I could suck it up and buy some crap - that would come to $50 or $60. Or I could allow them to go door-to-door, although the brochure requests that kids do not. I could hit up people I know to buy some crap - and impose. I find that rude. Maybe that is only me.

Or I could take yet another stand and allow my sons to be excluded from a school sponsored activity. Frankly, this whole matter should not get me this worked up. Yet it does. I would love to throw a big fat infantile fit and make a spectacle of my outrage. I’m sure that would make great strides for my sons in the school system and with their peer group. Not.

Angry - I am still a bit miffed. I am not certain what to do. I will probably let them try to sell crap to our neighbors - the worst that could happen is that people say “no” and the boys get frustrated and stop trying. Then of course they can hang with all the kids who get shut out. Maybe I will spend that $50 having a pizza party for the kids in their classes who don’t get to participate.

Now that would be sweet, even a worthy endeavor.

“Do not be afraid.”

The thought penetrated my entire being. I immediately began considering Jesus’ ministry here on earth - the times he spent with his disciples. I began to consider how man - after the fall, responded to encounters with God. How he was afraid.

When God sought out Adam and Eve, the first thing Adam said to God was, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” Adam was ashamed of himself and wanted to run - to hid himself from God. Alienation had entered into Eden. People knew that they deserved punishment.

Later, Sarah laughed at the prospect of bearing a son in her old age. She lied and became afraid when confronted about her doubt in the power of the Lord. Fear seems to dominate people in the presence of the Lord. They know their hearts are wicked.

The Gospel of Luke is teaming with fearful people who have an encounter with God and His plan. First Zacharias is afraid when an angel promises that he and Elizabeth will have a child. Mary is afraid upon hearing that she will bear a son. At the birth of Christ, angels proclaim the peace of the Lord. The shepherds were told to not be afraid.

Jesus sought out his first disciples. He told these fishermen to cast their nets into the water. These men knew fishing - the previous night, their efforts to catch fish had failed. They had caught nothing. Then, this guy, who had been teaching and drawing a great crowd, asks Peter to cast out his nets. He hauls in a huge mass of fish - so great a mass that his net was breaking.

Peter, just like Adam, Sarah, Zacharias, Mary, and the shepherds, recognized that he was a sinner. In the presence of the Lord, sin is laid bare. He saw himself as he was - depraved and wicked - without hope. He was an enemy of God. And yet, Jesus tells him to not be afraid. Jesus has a new plan for Peter - he will now catch men. Peter has a choice and he decides to work for someone else now.

Who is that guy?

Luke is full of descriptions of the disciples’ fears. A storm erupts while they are on the sea. Jesus sleeps through the tumult. The disciples awaken Jesus and He calms the storm. Instead of rejoicing in His provision, the twelve become fearful. Such it is with many. So it is with me.

Jesus casts out demons who enter into a herd of swine. Instead of rejoicing in this great provision, the people of Gerasenes become afraid and ask Jesus to leave, which he does. Choice matters.

So Christ came to give peace - to reconcile us to Him - to offer us peace so that we can enter into His loving presence without fear. So much of my life has been ruled - controlled by foolish fear. I often would repeat the passage out of 1 John 4:18.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.”

It became some sort of sick mantra - it was if I believed that if I said this over and over, then I would not be afraid. So silly - so foolish - so plain wrong. Scripture is not an incantation. It is not a charm.

Nonetheless, those words are true - but I lacked the understanding of the rest of the passage. I did not have understanding about fear. The passage must be read in its entirety.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

When we are afraid, we cannot approach Christ and enjoy the rest and peace that He has to offer. We are focused on the punishment - the risk or reality of failure abounds in our heart - in our thought life.

You see, love is so wonder and mysterious. The love of Christ - His sacrificial love has perfected us - we can approach Him and enjoy His blessing and the new life that He has to offer.

Christ really knows us - He wants us to really get to know Him and to share that intimacy with others - without fear.

Nearly twenty years ago, I wrote a letter to my father. I missed him so desperately. He lived in California. He had fled to build a new life for himself - one that did not include me. He asked me to tell my brothers that he was leaving. At that time I was only fourteen years old. His leaving broke my heart. I was destroyed. I was so afraid.

It was then I became sullen and withdrawn - angry at God. Soon four years passed and I was building my own new life at OSU. My new life turned sour very quickly - I had moved farther from God - farther from others. I was nothing until I choose to pursue Christ and got involved with Xenos Christian Fellowship and built some amazing friendships with people and with God.

But in spite of those wonderful friends, I was so afraid. It was then I wrote that letter to my dad. Trembling and terrified, I wrote to my dad about my love for Christ and of my love for him. I told Dad that I missed him. I shared about Christ and what he had been doing in my life. I wanted to be intimate.

My dad never received that letter. His new ex-wife never let him have it. (All of these things became revealed at a much later date.) I was so discouraged.

Anyway, fear has been a huge part of my life - it is such a tremendous burden. I suppose what is different now is that I understand that God is approachable and that He will never leave me. He loves me with perfect love.

There is still one thing (of many more yet to be seen - I am sure) though that I am compelled to do - I must succeed at loving my dad. I must share this great news with my dad. Geez, Dad is so hard to talk to - but I have this insight - one that God whispered to me late last night.

“Be not afraid. From now on you will catch men.”

I can approach my dad and say whatever I must. I can get to know him as a person - the way Christ got to know me. The way Amy, Dar and others got to know me. I see his need - but do I see him as a real person. Do I really know who he is?

This morning I was all pumped up -  with “Be not afraid” resonating though out my head. I wasn’t really certain why I woke up with that in my mind. The words were so clear - as if spoken. Now I know what I am to do.

I am to love my father without fear - without discouragement and the greatest thing of all is that I am not alone.

The house is in disarray. Dust bunnies frolic among the dirt and debris left by my four sons and their friends. The kitchen is a dumping ground for assignments and shoes. The counter is cluttered with the remnants of both breakfast and lunch.

Kids need attention - lots of it. They have their struggles and worries and woes. They are becoming men. That is good. And yet, they are still children and need guidance and nurturing.

Life is full of so many details. Take out the trash. Vacuum the floor. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Wash the dishes. Spend time having fun with your kids. Go on a bike ride. Phone a friend. Hurry off to an IEP meeting.

I always got consumed by the details of life. I could never envision myself as part of a larger plan. How could little, overwhelmed me ever be a part of God’s great plan of reconciling the world to himself. After all I had no time for Him - I have all this stuff to accomplish.

Seeing the big picture - viewing my life and other’s as God does, is difficult. I would focus on everything at once and this paralyzed me. I was stuck. I was unavailable to God. My eyes were fixed upon my personal microcosm.

The last several years have been quite a change. I decided to make myself open to what God wanted and not what I wanted. I opened my mind to the big picture. Now I was seeing the big picture. It was amazing and enthralling and I chose to be a part of it. God’s kingdom is huge and there is room and purpose for each member of His body.

Not only did I decide that I was going to get behind Christ - everyone else was too. Sitting out was not an option. Total commitment was the end goal. Was I finally seeing the “forest through the trees?” Perhaps.

Would you rather be a squash?

What I am learning is that trees are important. The author of Green Letters stated this well. If trees are not thriving and strong - they become weak. New growth needs to be solidified. An oak takes 70 plus year to become strong and mature. A squash only takes six months. Trees experience great growth in the summer - but it takes the whole year for that growth to become substantial. Trees need time and nurturing so that they can weather a storm.

Gardening takes investment which means time. An untended garden may produce fruit - some tomatoes may not be choked out by the weeds or survive the blight acquired through poor soil. Some tomatoes look as if they are going to make it - they appear miraculous among the chaos of an uncultivated garden. Then, at harvest the black rot is reveal. It is is ruined. Some are left too long in the field - over-ripen and ruined. It should have been harvested sooner and put to good use.

It seems as if I lost sight of the trees in the forest in order to see a bigger picture. I wonder then, is it bad to see the forest through the trees? No, I think not. It is great and so motivating. However, losing sight of the trees or how the trees are doing is dangerous.

Seeing the greater plan is a motivating blessing. Seeing the trees in the plan is a greater blessing. This is the work that God has set in motion in my life. I can taste the fruit of His work with hopeful anticipation.  I sit in the wonder of it all. I wait for understanding.

Rock of Rages - the time had come

This summer, I read Trina’s post about the DMT retreat being held at the Rock of Ages. I quipped at that time:

“Wow - I always wanted to go to the Rock of Rages.”  (Really, I did post that on BCII.)

Looking back to that silly post, now I realize that I must have somehow sensed the storm brewing in my heart. There was increasing intensity all about me. Dark and full of destructive force - Impending and dangerous - I thought I was not afraid. This was a storm that the spiritual realm was about to unleash - a storm that God foreknew - one that’s time had come to fullness.

Storms are full of such potential. They can be violent. They can be destructive, even frightening. A storm was approaching - clouds loomed in the distance. The wind howled, trying to tell me something - something that I could not hear. Was I deaf?

The waves crashed against the rocks - Erie awakened as never before. The destructive waves drew me in. The storm had been building potential. Soon it would be released. I saw the force of this storm - increasing in strength. Was I blind?

A young man, a father to be, someone I now call my friend, and I watched as the waves crashed against the rocky shore. I noted how beautiful a stormy sea can be. We watched the rage together. Did we see it? Storms can be beautiful.

A storm can be destructive

The day continued. People were busy working on the details of their presentations. All the while, the storm was approaching - it was time to face the full force of what had been building.

Tensions were mounting, not only my own. Storms can be weathered - on a strong foundation. Was I standing on one? This storm had arrived.

I will not bore anyone with the drama and the pain - many of you witnessed my struggle. You also share my faith, my love and my hope. I will say this, Jesus Christ came to build His church and the gates of hell will not prevail.

I follow Jesus Christ - I listen to his words.

Matthew 16:18
And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.

Jesus had the authority and spoke the words to calm a raging sea - one on which Peter (aka Lisa’s NT boyfriend) walked. A storm can be calmed. I see now so clearly that storms can be beautiful. Christ commissions some of the biggest losers I know. He used Peter - bravado and all - to build His Church - not mine - His.  I have hope that Jesus can use me - to love others. I desire to be fervent in my love for others.

Luke 5:10 reads:

“Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.”

The details are fuzzy. That is okay. Where else would I go - for Christ has the words of eternal life. There is no where else to go. Indeed, a storm can be lovely in so many ways.

This summer brought many challenges and opportunities for growth. For one, the leaders Joel, Kat, and Dar have joined the new Crossroads Bible Study at Kent State University. They are part of an college ministry initiative whose goal to break through the spiritual darkness that holds KSU in its cold grip.

Called to “active duty” in a new mission field, the tried and true leadership team decided to go and to offer their talents and leadership experience to this budding ministry. It was time for them to go - to uproot from their established ministry. It was time to raise up a volunteer led team. It was time that the Hughes Home Church put away childish things and clothed itself with mature love.

One Hughite commented following the worker’s meeting where this plan was announced, “We knew that they were going. We were very supportive and excited about Dar and Joel going to the field. Soon Kathryn will join them. That new ministry is growing rapidly. Change is so unsettling. That is a good thing. God is certainly a God of movement.”

During that worker’s meeting, Joel called for a leadership team of volunteers - a team that would willingly take on the responsibility and “the heat” of leading the Home Church while “the deacons take their eye off the ball.” Joel didn’t want anyone to feel conscripted. An awkward silence filled the normally chatty room. Slowly people stepped forward and offered to pinch hit for them. The Lagotte’s, Avdeyev’s, and the Beech’s make up this fledgling team. Now is the time to build.

Since August 18^th , the “Lagotteechdeyev Rock - n - Roll Machine” has been in motion, starting with new series from the book of Luke. The goal is to more fully know and understand the person and ministry of Jesus. It was time to embrace Christ to get behind Him.

“How can we tell others about just how awesome Jesus Christ is if we don’t have an intimate relationship with him? We need to get to know Him better. We need to be excited about what He has accomplished. Luke should jump start this growth.” a volunteer reflected.

The old “talking head” teaching format is out the door. After receiving feedback from Joel on the multi-site conference in Chicago, the new “leaders” agreed with him that home church teachings need to change. In Ephesus, Paul had daily discussions with his disciples, not daily sermons. Discussions call for group participation. That now is the goal for each home church meeting. Each member of the body is to contribute to the meeting by using the gifts that the Spirit has given to him or her. Now is the time to grow.

1Corinthians 14:26

What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church.

This discussion format has been used twice. Already the meetings are more energized and dynamic. When everyone partakes and offers up their individual gifting, it is amazing how the power of the Holy Spirit is unleashed. The last two meetings bear the potential of something electric. It was time to tear down the show.

Getting people to our meetings has been difficult. Our outreach events and parties were nearly void of new people or even returning new. The body has been rather discouraged. For a while it seemed as if we had settled in and were content with our comfortable evenings of fellowship. It felt safe. It was pleasant. It was becoming a bore. This is time to mourn and to change.

After teaching Luke 2, Lisa commented,“I think that we became comfortable with how our meeting went. We all have very busy lives. It is so easy to say ‘yes’ to what the world has to offer and to believe that no one is interested in spiritual matters. Such lies. We now see that our love had grown cold. We knew we had to repent and get on board where God was moving. We need to go where the people are.”

A fresh fighting spirit has been building. There is a growing urgency to reach out to the lost - to scatter away from base. The Falls Home Church has a new resolve to go out into the community and to connect with others. We are accountable for how the meeting goes down. Our conversations are not only fun, but the are purpose filled and edifying.

This church is full of ideas - some old, some new. The C&C’s have continued and personal follow-up is improving. This church hopes to turn the C&C’s into a bi-weekly Discovery Group. This of course will take some time and relationship building. Along those lines, the guys are talking about going out into the community and invading man territory with their “Man Clan Plan.”

Jake explained, “We need to get men away from their women. Something happens when guys hang out with their wives or girlfriends. It is as if they get stupid. Men don’t want to talk to just one guy - not really - they find that creepy. Men want to be part of a gang - something that is manly. That is our idea - to pull men into our gang - Our Man Clan.”

Amy has been busy looking for ways to connect with some of the women in the Falls. She and Andie were recently invited to be a part of a book club. “I am asking God for opportunities to meet people and then I get invited to this book club. How amazing is that? God basically says to me, okay go read some books with these women. Get to know them. Go love them. Who am I to argue?”

Mel and Alex have been taking it to the streets as they get to know their neighbors. They have extended invitations to several neighbors and some may attend our next home church meeting. “People are beginning to take notice of the activity at our place. They are curious about what is going down.”

Many are getting involved with their neighbors. The Schoofs’ have taken up rock climbing - a hobby of their neighbors. Others are meeting more people through clubs, classes and new jobs.

Lisa has started a small business - walking door to door trying to find a way to meet new neighbors. “I know this sounds ridiculous. I am selling AVON. I have met several women already. It is amazing how easy it is to get women talking when it comes to beauty products. I guess they are already looking for something to make them feel better about themselves. I hope to make a connection with them.”

Not only is this church building an outward focus, but it is learning the ethos of commitment - to spurring one another to love and good deeds. October is retreat month. The guys and gals both have retreats planned. The goal is to work on our personal relationships and walks with the Lord. This is the first retreat in years - so everyone is very excited and eager to get down to work.

It should be a lot of fun too. Steve’s mom has graciously offered her place in Pennsylvania for our home church to use as a retreat place. It is a rustic setting and has a nearby recreational lake. Steve commented on the accommodations, “Things will be a little crowded - but we can fish there and hangout by the campfire. It will be very relaxing.”

Summer has gone and fall is here. Summer was a season of pending transitions - now fall is a season of resolute activity and purpose. This Rock - n - Roll Machine has got its groove on and its taking it to the streets. This church is not content. It is not resigned to just “doing” church. This is a group of brothers and sisters who are committed to fighting the good fight - the fight against the powers that be.

We are taking advice from a sister…. A TWISTED SISTER…