Family Quandaries and Other Dirty Laundry

One thing that stood out to me as I spent time with James is that he spoke with authority - much like a father speaks to his children - firm and loving. This makes sense as he was one of the “pillars” of the early church.  He had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders - he had a lot a kids to look after. The church was increasing in numbers daily and that church was spread here and there.  He had kids that hadn’t even been born as of the writing of this letter - kids like me - prideful and unruly.

I thought that I knew better than he. In spite of my egocentric focus, he warmly addressed me, calling me one of the brethren. I belonged to his family. Like a good head of the house, he decided it was time that we talked - about the direction my life was headed - he only wanted me to grow - become complete - able to handle myself well - to become an adult “lacking nothing.” I found it both difficult to concentrate on his words and yet transfixed to his every word.

He knew I’d experienced some rough times. Some hardships were as result of my arrogant sin; others just plain ignorance and immaturity.  Yet still others, were a result of falling under the stress and pressure of life. He loved me to much to allow me to continue on this easy and lazy path. I was floundering about running from one quick fix to another. It was time for James-style boot camp.

He knew so much about me even though we never met. He encouraged me. He knew I had suffered through many things. He knew I had many disappointments. It was hard to raise four sons well, to learn how to raise sons who had disabilities, to accept that God loved me unconditionally.  He knew I struggled with faith.  That I was torn between trusting in the world to “fix” my children and trusting that God loved both my children and I and that He would care for us. God would tend to my children and their real needs. James saw into my dark and doubting heart and knew I was afraid to trust God with my children. He knew my heart was divided. He knew I needed God’s wisdom and to accept God’s provision.

James knew I had a personal problem with his brother Jesus.  He wanted me to tell Jesus what I needed to understand in the midst of my turmoil or what I wanted in life. Then he wanted me to believe that Jesus cared and would grant me what I asked.  He knew I struggled with doubt. But there was Jesus standing at his side just waiting for me to fully trust Him and to believe that he gives generously. I wish in would have invited James into my home years earlier. I wished I would have been forthright with Jesus.

Now, these struggles I described have been on going - for nearly seven years. Two years ago I finally decided to stop fighting and trusting the world to “fix” my sons.  I decided to trust Jesus with them and their needs. I decided to follow Jesus and to spend my time getting to know Him better. I started to ask Jesus to meet specific needs - a friend for Seth - emotional stability for Noah. I quit running from doctor’s visit to doctor’s visit. I still meet with professionals, but I do not put my faith in their ability to heal my sons.  I do however trust Christ with their needs. James could have told me I was on the right path.

Today, I am in awe of how generous and loving Christ is.  Not because of anything I have or have not done, but because of what He has accomplished for my sons-for the life He has granted me. Seth has a friend - more than one; Noah no longer threatens to kill himself and seems to handle daily social interactions better.  These kids still have real obstacles and trials in their lives.  Peers can be quite cruel.  God is most merciful.

I know that God does give understanding and wisdom to those who ask.  He granted me understanding to accept my sons for who they are - instead of fretting over who they are not. James was waiting for years to give me this insight. I’m glad I finally spent some time with him. I’m glad I am learning to trust Christ as Lord.