By what standard is a person’s worth measured? Seriously. Look around you. What do people value? What qualities do most desire?

• A stable income with benefits and perks.
• Someone significant with whom to share ourselves and our dreams – to build a life together.
• A family that works together and plays together.
• Children who are successful and have attained a favorable status within the community.
• Deep friendships that carry us through the dark times and give a purpose beyond ourselves.
• Awesome looks and a buff body – far beyond the firmness of youth.
• A home – finely decorated and spacious – the envy of family reunions.
• Lofty degrees – followed by professional accomplishment.
• Adventure and excitement – exotic vacations and thrilling experiences.

This list could continue ad nauseam.

Now as believers, often we dismiss these as values of the world – the desires of those who do not have a relationship with Christ. But I wonder, are we truly being honest with ourselves. Am I? Don’t we all struggle with the “things of this world?”

It is as if I have some sort of internal gauge that subconsciously measures my worth. My worth as a person is measured on performance. I rate my worth effortlessly. It just happens – like breathing.

As a mother of four sons, who has recently entered middle age, I have allowed myself several concessions. I acknowledge that I will never be the wasp-waist girl of my 20′s. Years of cycling and weight lifting has worn my joints. The creaking in my joints advise me not to continue the tissue wearing exercise of my youth. (Regrets, yes some. I really enjoyed working out daily – I need to find some less damaging exercises.)

I have conceded, and then embraced, that my job is to stay at home with my children and to look after my family’s interests. Furthering my education is not in my future. I have closed that chapter in my life. (This is particularly sad for me as I just love studying and enjoy working. I love to get outside of this house and “just do it.”) I guess a bachelor’s degree will have to suffice. The exhilarating climb up the professional ladder is not a height I will attain.

As a result of these decisions, I probably will not earn an income that will support my family. (So much to contributing to the financial security of my family.) No one will lust after my dwelling. My only hope is that they do not mock what I warmly call home. (Why I care if people make fun of my house – I still can’t quite figure.)

These values have long since been removed from my personal list of merits. Yet, I still cling to several others. I deeply desire to succeed as a wife, a mother and a friend – and yes as a servant of the Lord. These are what I struggle – wrestle – contend with – almost daily.

I look at my children. They are so amazing. What a gift and a mighty responsibility the Lord has entrusted to me – (and my husband too). They are the delight of my soul. And yet, they are also the ache in my heart – the kink in my neck – the bitter bile in my gut. I am at a loss – I flounder and do not know what to do. I know what I desire to do and I understand my natural tendencies – but still I am lost. How do I attain excellence as a mother?

God entrusts you with these free thinking creatures who you just fall in love with – even before you get to hold them in your arms. As a mother, you are given the honor of feeling them stir within you. A child moves about and wakens a place in your heart you never knew existed. This is such a great treasure and a mighty responsibility.

I feel the weight of that great burden on my shoulders. At times I am crushed by the enormity of it – at other times it is as if I cannot breathe. My tendency is to react – to plan – to devise – to manage – to monitor – to attempt – to correct. In the end, I usually end up fluttering around like some sort of deranged hen. I function. I deal. I handle. I mediate. But do I enjoy and laugh and revel in joy? Do I rejoice in who my sons are? Am I present? What is the purpose of all this activity? Who the hell do I think that I am?

So then, I am paralyzed. Thoughts race through my head.

“Do nothing.”

“Sit at the feet of the Lord.”

“Be still and know that I am God.”

“Let him who has ears, let him hear.”

“Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you.”

In college I lived in a ministry house. A girl named Louise lived there too. She was always so preoccupied with keeping everything in order. Clean up. Do the dishes. Vacuum the house. … You get the picture.

I would laugh at her in my mind, “Just look at the little Martha.” I would congratulate myself on being like Mary and not busying myself with such worldly matters. “Such a waste of my time,” I would smirk inwardly. “Look at her fret over such mundane things – I am sitting at the feet of Jesus – studying his word and reveling in the relationships around me. Too bad for Louise. I am living the abundant life!”

I acknowledge that my perception of my roommate was by no means accurate or fair, but I think I was on to something then … something I seem to have forgotten in my personal efforts to gain merit and to succeed. In truth I have lost sight of several things.

First, people are important. Enjoying people and letting people know that you enjoy them is key to healthy relationships. I am not saying that I should have been such a sanguine, untidy disaster by neglecting my household responsibilities. It seems that I did understand something about valuing people and the times that you share. As a mother – I can lose sight of this. I forget to enjoy my sons and to express warmth and acceptance towards them. Some how I am always on patrol – seeking violations and implementing corrections.

Second, don’t sweat the little things. I get so agitated when things are out of order. Who gives crap if flour is all over the kitchen and contact paper is stuck all over the wood floors. What is important is that people felt loved and that a good time was had by all. Conversations have a way of just happening while people are having a fun. The mood is relaxed – so too are the people. This way mom interrogations are not the only verbal interactions.

Third, spend some time with Jesus. Sit at his feet. Lean on him and allow him to carry your load. This can happen several ways.

• Spend time in the word. Just read it – get a feel for what was going on. Do this before you get out the commentaries and exegete the passage.
• Even before you read the passage, pray – invite the Spirit to give you supernatural insight. He will.
• Share your struggle with a brother or sister in Christ. Share you burden and enjoy the relationship. God has equipped your friend with a very special gift that may benefit you.

Merits. Just how do we assess our worth? Is it by the world’s standards? Or is our worth determine by what Christ has done, who He is, and who he says that we are as his fellow brothers and sisters?

“Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing.” Revelations 5:12