The Heart Matters

Repentance. This is a prominent theme in the Bible. It was what Jesus first taught when he entered into ministry. In Matthew 3:2, Jesus says, “Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.” The Book of Acts also begins with a call to repentance,

“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.”

Repentance is not just for those who are non-believers. Repentance is also for believers who fall into sin. “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” Revelations 3:19. Paul and Peter both call believers to repentance as well.

2 Corinthians 7: 9-10

9I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.

10For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

2Peter 3:9

9The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

This is a study of repentance. This study was spurred by fact that I am supposed to teach about it. I feel so incredibly inadequate to teach others about something I feel that I barely comprehend – something I wrestle with frequently. Often I must grapple with understanding what genuine repentance is. Seeing through the fog of the deceitfulness of sin can be difficult – at times seemingly impossible. I need to go back to the basics.

Metanoia is the Greek word for repentance – it is the word used in the New Testament and it is used nearly 70 times there. Meta means “change” and nous means “mind.” “Changing one’s mind” does not give full weight to what the word metanoia conveys, rather it is a change of heart.

The problem with everyone is not necessarily that we think wrong – of course, we do. But, the deeper issue is that our hearts are corrupt. Jeremiah describes the heart as “desperately wicked” – so wicked that it cannot be understood. God understands the heart of man though and he knows how to go about changing it.

First we need to see that we are sinners. We just don’t have a little problem – or make mistakes. We sin. 1 John 1:8 says:

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 7:9 that we need to be brought to a point of sorrow. Seeing your sin and that sin is wrong that is part of repentance. We need to hurt and grieve so that we can be healed. It is like an infection. The nasty stuff needs to be removed – often extraction can be very painful. So it is with sin – so it is with character change.

Part of that healing involves confessing that we have sinned. 1 John 1:9 says:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

This change of heart thing is crucial to understanding and experiencing the joy of salvation. Moving from ingratitude to thankfulness is foundational for our character’s to undergo Godly transformation.

Scripture says that the natural man does not acknowledge God or give Him thanks. The natural man demands and rages that he wasn’t treated fair by “the rules” or by others. When people do not play by our set of rules, we freak out and cry out for justice. When we demand justice, we do not understand truly what we are asking. When we do not receive what we deem as just – we become filled with rage. God says that we deserve death and punishment. That is what we are asking for – death.

James 2:4 says that we judge with evil motives – that we make distinctions among ourselves. A standard has been set and everyone better meet that standard or “look out” there is a price to pay.

This is where repentance comes into play. A person must move from a raging beast – filled with ingratitude – to someone who understands that nothing is owed to him – to someone whose heart is thankful.

This starts with feeling that you are loved – because someone big and powerful – like God – has loved you. When someone no longer feels alone – that they no longer have to scratch and claw their way to importance – they can give to others. This person begins to understands just how “rich” they truly are.

This person no longer reacts to others, but can now proactively extend love to others. This is movement towards the heart of God. God’s heart is defined by love. God moves toward us. It is because of God’s pure love that mankind has the opportunity to be redeemed – to be reconciled with his Creator.

Being created in His image and indwelled by the Spirit, Christians can now love as God intended. Love can be lived in this world among God’s chosen people – among those who have been bought with a price. The depraved beast can be transformed and now can experience authentic love relationships.

When I was young, I believed that repentance was some strange ritual or outward expression of sorrow or grief that God needed me to perform for Him so that He would be satisfied with me. What I failed to understand was that repentance is not for God’s benefit, rather it is for mine – that I may live life and live it abundantly.

God is not asking me to rub ashes in my hair, or to cease eating chocolate or even to weep or beat my breast in anguish. What he desires is that I allow Him to do His work in my heart. All I need to do is to allow God to take my stony heart and to transform it to one of flesh – to one that can feel – not for myself – but to feel for others and to give to others.

So repentance is actually in my best interest. It is a change from the inside out. It is a mysterious transformation – that the natural man does not understand. The sorrow that is felt is only temporary – it leads to new life. A sick heart can be healed and renewed. How amazing is that.

David got this as he cried out to the Lord to wash him clean and to renew a right spirit with in him. Psalm 51 has always been one of my favorites.

So strange that I was so preoccupied with the lamenting – the pleading of David – that I overlooked that King David was calling on God to do the work of cleansing.  It is the work of God that restores a man’s heart. So I sing with David:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Yes, Lord it is your work to bring to completion.

Change my heart.

Additional Information

After 24 hours of irregular labor and 12 hours of progressively intensified “pangs,” combined with back labor, my first son was born. Needless to say, I was exhausted and overjoyed that my son was born. Contrary to what the nurses told me, Evan was not rushed to the ICU – he had not aspirated the meconium. They did not need to extract him with forceps – he had turned to a favorable position prior to birth. Everything had gone better than the professionals had projected.

“Is it over?” I gasped to the woman at my side. She had vigilantly watched over me and not left me since the heart monitor had crashed. She was there as they lifted my son up so that I could see him. She just smiled back at me and quipped, “No, it’s not over. It’s only just begun.” The team rushed Evan to the neonatal unit for further clean up and observation. I did not get to hold my son. Gulp.

Welcome to the pain and joy of motherhood. That wise-cracking nurse sure knew what she was talking about. I’m sure she had a few kids well under her wing by that time. She must have been a prophet of sort.

Fourteen years later and three sons more, I clearly understand what she meant. It has only just begun. Joy and pain. Both such strong emotions are tied so tightly to motherhood.

This weekend was filled with immense joy – both Noah and Henry had their birthdays. Noah turned 11 (a prime number, he reminded all) and Henry turned 9. They were both so grateful and joy filled. Such wonderful memories were made this weekend. My heart is over flowing with tears of joy.

We did not have extravagant parties – just a cake and a present. We dined as a family on each boy’s menu of choice. Henry chose beef and broccoli and Noah mac and “cheez.” An impromptu sleep over topped the weekend off – as each boy had a friend stay over night. It was such a lovely time. That is the joy.

Now for the pain. Today I held my son as he wept – twice. First he cried for a new classmate whose brother died last Halloween. Henry was so distraught. He could not contain his sorrow for his new friend Ollie. Then later, he openly wept as he told me about some school troubles.

I guess fifth graders have been asking him if he is Noah’s brother. At first, I thought that these kids were being mean or even hitting Henry. Henry was so upset as he told me about these children. Further questioning revealed the painful truth.

Henry does not want to acknowledge that he is Noah’s brother because most of the fifth grade boys tease and do not like Noah. Henry is rather popular and relishes his band of friends. Henry does not want to be the brother of the outcast or to become an outcast by association with his brother.

My heart broke. For both of my sons. I wept for Noah because I know just how terrible the boys treat him. He does have the one friend who stands up for him. But this boy is taking some heat. Will Noah’s best friend leave him? Now Noah’s brother does not want to acknowledge him. Noah loves Henry. These brothers are so close – what will become of their relationship?

My heart broke for Henry too. He so wants to be popular. He does not want to suffer for another’s sake. Henry and I talked – he does not ever want anyone to ask or to know that he and Noah are brothers. Henry told me that he is afraid of being hated like Noah is.

I asked Henry if he knew what it meant to love someone. To really love someone. He said he did. Then I told him if that was so – then he understands that he may need to suffer – like people knowing that he is Noah’s brother. I asked Henry how he thought his denial would make Noah feel? Henry wept once more as he acknowledged that Noah would be sad.

I told Henry that sometimes loving someone means that you feel sad too – even if it is unfair. Henry just cried and told me, “But I’m just so afraid.” All I could do is hold my son. My heart wept with sorrow.

So, the joy and pain of motherhood never ends – I certainly do not have all the answers, but I so know that Jesus understands this sort of pain – this sort of joy. For the moment, I’m okay with that. I am so tempted to go running about and raising hell at the school.

I know that I must do something about this trouble at school – but exactly what is the question. I know that in this horrible world there will always be bullies and that there will always be wimps – but it really hurts to see Noah suffer.

Henry is suffering too. Part of me is angry with him – but I understand that it is so hard to stand up to ridicule – especially when you are a little sanguine prince.

For now, I am going to be still and seek the Lord out on this. Oh, the joy and sorrows of motherhood. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Additional Information

Richard Cooey died today. He was executed by lethal injection as punishment for a heinous crime. He kidnapped, robbed, raped, bludgeoned and slaughtered two Akron University students in 1986. Twenty-two years have passed since he took the lives of those two young women.

I went to high school with Cooey. In fact, I sat in the same driver’s ed car as he did. He was short and pudgy. I recall his round, pale face only brightened by a splattering of freckles and copper hair. His stone cold eyes stared blankly back at me as I forgot to slow down for a stop sign. I think his eyes were blue. He was not a warm person.

I remember that day so well when Cooey was arrested. I had just returned from Morgan Adhesives. I had a summer job compounding emulsions and solutions. I spent a lot of time around volatile glue. I wondered if I had heard the newscaster correctly, after all I had been in a fume-filled lab all day. Then an image of a round, ruddy man, face hidden, walking into the jail blazed across the old RCA television screen. It was him. I was not confused.

Since that day, I have followed this case with interest. What outrage the local community felt. Such a great loss of life. Such great pain. Where was the justice? Why was he allowed to live such a long life compared to that of his victims?

Today justice was finally enacted. Richard died at 10:26 am by lethal injection. All final appeals were denied. He was taken to Lucasville Monday afternoon. There he died.

I thought some how that I would feel “better” knowing that justice had been served – that he had to pay for what he had done. He was an enemy of society. He was evil. He had to give up his life. I felt worse.

Evil. That is how all men are before the holiness of God. We are His enemies. We determine what is right in our own eyes. We deserve judgment. You see, God demands that a price be paid for sin. Someone has to pay the price.

I’d like to consider myself a “pretty good” person. I have never robbed, raped or murdered anyone. Compared to Cooey, I am a saint. In the sight of God, I am just as evil and guilty as this murderer is. God sees Cooey and I as the same.

Only by the grace of God have I been deemed righteous. What a debt of gratitude I owe. Someone had to pay the price for my sin – to set me free from the debt of sin that I owe. God demands perfection. As much as I’d like to believe I am perfect – I am far from that. I am quite the sinner. Christ came to free the prisoners from their bondage. He came to redeem. Christ’s death bought me back from death. I am His.

This brings me back to Cooey. Instead of feeling better, I feel so sorrowful. God does not want anyone to perish, but all to come to repentance.

2Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

God extended 22 years to this man who butchered Dawn McCreery and Wendy Offredo. He had the opportunity to come to repentance. God did not want, even Cooey, to perish. He wanted Richard to have a personal relationship with him.

I guess Richard Cooey had a terrible upbringing. A lot a bad things happened in his life. God had mercy on Cooey up until his death. I wonder if he ever came to know Christ.

I deserve the wrath of God to be poured out on my head. I deserve to perish. Praise God for His unending mercy that he sought me out and that I responded to his calling. I accepted His free gift and now have a relationship with Him. I am now alive.

In light of these things, I realize that God desires all men and women to come into a relationship with him – not just the “nice” people or the smart people or the beautiful people – but everyone – whether they are mean, ignorant or just plain ugly.

Jesus came to save sinners – not the righteous. Sinners like me and yes, sinners like Richard Cooey.

Grace is truly amazing – and so contrary to the reason of man.

Additional Information

For years I have joked with people that I am a Jewish American Princess. This started in college. Many people would ask me if I were Jewish. I’m not sure why so many people inquired about my ethnicity – I just figured it was my nose and I reminded them of Barbara Streisand. I was also rather demanding and ostentatious.

On occasion I would wonder was I Jewish. Were people seeing something I couldn’t see? After all my father was adopted and his biological father was a Russian immigrant who moved here near the 1930’s. Many Jews left Europe prior to the war. I wondered, “Was my grandfather Jewish?”

I found this fun web site – about origins of Surnames. My father’s adopted name has Jewish origins. I never knew Gerber was Hebrew. I thought it to be German.

When my dad was adopted – his adoption was open. That was very unusual for adoptions of the day. Most were closed – no information was shared. He had an opportunity to meet his biological mother – she has an Eastern European background. He decided to never meet her or his maternal siblings. He never had contact with his father.

The question still stands, “Why was this adoption open?”

Still there is the mystery of my biological grandfather. Who was he really? Why did his family immigrate to the United States? Do I have a Jewish background?

I suppose it does not really matter, but this silly web site just got me thinking. Maybe I am a Jewish American Princess. That is just an outrageous thought.

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My kids are so excited. They have the opportunity to participate in a school fund raiser. Usually this is just a minor annoyance in my life. I explain to my sons that the economy is poor and that all of their relatives are poor and do not have extra money. This year money is tighter for most people. Times of plenty are gone. I explain that we chose to give our money to invest in God’s Kingdom and not man’s. I generally proffer a small “prize” for not participating.

The schools must be on to us parents who refuse to buy crap just to support non-necessary benefits for the school. Benefits like Parcheesi, Muffins for Mom and Doughnuts for Dad are not really vital for education. They are niceties in a disjointed society, but as for a fair and equitable education – they are mere fluff. These fund-raising companies have become very clever.

I read the parent fund-raising flyer. I scanned the brochure quickly to glean what the minimum prize for a sale would be. I had to grab my face to keep my eyeballs from flying out of my head. This year’s prize was attendance at a school function – a magic show to be precise. Those who sell a minimum of 3 items get to attend the performance while those who fail are excluded.

That is so hitting below the belt. I now have to decide if I want my sons to be excluded from a school event. The worthy students get to go to a magic pep rally while those who fail are left behind in class. The hair on the back of my neck stands straight. I am revved up for a battle – one that is useless.

My youngest two sons are not the most included children in school. They struggle relationally more than most. It doesn’t help that they are so competitive and that they actually enjoy sales. While in scouts they went door to door and sold hundreds of dollars of popcorn. For some strange reason, I arbitrarily had no problem with that endeavor. I suppose I viewed scouts somehow worthy. It had some merit worthy of the time and effort. I do not view this as worthy.

The items found in this flyer are lame – $7.00 for some chocolate covered peanuts. The portion is tiny. How outrageous and wasteful! Then there is the wrapping paper – $8.00 per roll. Does anyone spend that much on paper that is going to be ripped into shreds? Dang.

So, filled with ire, I share this quandary. What is a mother to do? I could suck it up and buy some crap – that would come to $50 or $60. Or I could allow them to go door-to-door, although the brochure requests that kids do not. I could hit up people I know to buy some crap – and impose. I find that rude. Maybe that is only me.

Or I could take yet another stand and allow my sons to be excluded from a school sponsored activity. Frankly, this whole matter should not get me this worked up. Yet it does. I would love to throw a big fat infantile fit and make a spectacle of my outrage. I’m sure that would make great strides for my sons in the school system and with their peer group. Not.

Angry – I am still a bit miffed. I am not certain what to do. I will probably let them try to sell crap to our neighbors – the worst that could happen is that people say “no” and the boys get frustrated and stop trying. Then of course they can hang with all the kids who get shut out. Maybe I will spend that $50 having a pizza party for the kids in their classes who don’t get to participate.

Now that would be sweet, even a worthy endeavor.

Additional Information

Rubbing crusty sleepers from my eyes this morning, a thought popped into my head. It wasn’t a new thought – it was just there – perhaps, it has always been there – occupying all available mental space. It was as if a “No vacancy” sign appeared – no other musings allowed.

“Do not be afraid.”

The thought penetrated my entire being. I immediately began considering Jesus’ ministry here on earth – the times he spent with his disciples. I began to consider how man – after the fall, responded to encounters with God. How he was afraid.

When God sought out Adam and Eve, the first thing Adam said to God was, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” Adam was ashamed of himself and wanted to run – to hid himself from God. Alienation had entered into Eden. People knew that they deserved punishment.

Later, Sarah laughed at the prospect of bearing a son in her old age. She lied and became afraid when confronted about her doubt in the power of the Lord. Fear seems to dominate people in the presence of the Lord. They know their hearts are wicked.

The Gospel of Luke is teaming with fearful people who have an encounter with God and His plan. First Zacharias is afraid when an angel promises that he and Elizabeth will have a child. Mary is afraid upon hearing that she will bear a son. At the birth of Christ, angels proclaim the peace of the Lord. The shepherds were told to not be afraid.

Jesus sought out his first disciples. He told these fishermen to cast their nets into the water. These men knew fishing – the previous night, their efforts to catch fish had failed. They had caught nothing. Then, this guy, who had been teaching and drawing a great crowd, asks Peter to cast out his nets. He hauls in a huge mass of fish – so great a mass that his net was breaking.

Peter, just like Adam, Sarah, Zacharias, Mary, and the shepherds, recognized that he was a sinner. In the presence of the Lord, sin is laid bare. He saw himself as he was – depraved and wicked – without hope. He was an enemy of God. And yet, Jesus tells him to not be afraid. Jesus has a new plan for Peter – he will now catch men. Peter has a choice and he decides to work for someone else now.

Luke is full of descriptions of the disciples’ fears. A storm erupts while they are on the sea. Jesus sleeps through the tumult. The disciples awaken Jesus and He calms the storm. Instead of rejoicing in His provision, the twelve become fearful. Such it is with many. So it is with me.

Jesus casts out demons who enter into a herd of swine. Instead of rejoicing in this great provision, the people of Gerasenes become afraid and ask Jesus to leave, which he does. Choice matters.

So Christ came to give peace – to reconcile us to Him – to offer us peace so that we can enter into His loving presence without fear. So much of my life has been ruled – controlled by foolish fear. I often would repeat the passage out of 1 John 4:18.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.”

It became some sort of sick mantra – it was if I believed that if I said this over and over, then I would not be afraid. So silly – so foolish – so plain wrong. Scripture is not an incantation. It is not a charm.

Nonetheless, those words are true – but I lacked the understanding of the rest of the passage. I did not have understanding about fear. The passage must be read in its entirety.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

When we are afraid, we cannot approach Christ and enjoy the rest and peace that He has to offer. We are focused on the punishment – the risk or reality of failure abounds in our heart – in our thought life.

You see, love is so wonder and mysterious. The love of Christ – His sacrificial love has perfected us – we can approach Him and enjoy His blessing and the new life that He has to offer.

Christ really knows us – He wants us to really get to know Him and to share that intimacy with others – without fear.

Nearly twenty years ago, I wrote a letter to my father. I missed him so desperately. He lived in California. He had fled to build a new life for himself – one that did not include me. He asked me to tell my brothers that he was leaving. At that time I was only fourteen years old. His leaving broke my heart. I was destroyed. I was so afraid.

It was then I became sullen and withdrawn – angry at God. Soon four years passed and I was building my own new life at OSU. My new life turned sour very quickly – I had moved farther from God – farther from others. I was nothing until I choose to pursue Christ and got involved with Xenos Christian Fellowship and built some amazing friendships with people and with God.

But in spite of those wonderful friends, I was so afraid. It was then I wrote that letter to my dad. Trembling and terrified, I wrote to my dad about my love for Christ and of my love for him. I told Dad that I missed him. I shared about Christ and what he had been doing in my life. I wanted to be intimate.

My dad never received that letter. His new ex-wife never let him have it. (All of these things became revealed at a much later date.) I was so discouraged.

Anyway, fear has been a huge part of my life – it is such a tremendous burden. I suppose what is different now is that I understand that God is approachable and that He will never leave me. He loves me with perfect love.

There is still one thing (of many more yet to be seen - I am sure) though that I am compelled to do – I must succeed at loving my dad. I must share this great news with my dad. Geez, Dad is so hard to talk to – but I have this insight – one that God whispered to me late last night.

“Be not afraid. From now on you will catch men.”

I can approach my dad and say whatever I must. I can get to know him as a person – the way Christ got to know me. The way Amy, Dar and others got to know me. I see his need – but do I see him as a real person. Do I really know who he is?

This morning I was all pumped up -  with “Be not afraid” resonating though out my head. I wasn’t really certain why I woke up with that in my mind. The words were so clear – as if spoken. Now I know what I am to do.

I am to love my father without fear – without discouragement and the greatest thing of all is that I am not alone.

Additional Information

Seeing the forest through the trees has always been a struggle for me. I get bogged down in the details of life. It is astonishing just how many details used to get in the way of building a vision for my life – for seeing the life that God sees for me.

The house is in disarray. Dust bunnies frolic among the dirt and debris left by my four sons and their friends. The kitchen is a dumping ground for assignments and shoes. The counter is cluttered with the remnants of both breakfast and lunch.

Kids need attention – lots of it. They have their struggles and worries and woes. They are becoming men. That is good. And yet, they are still children and need guidance and nurturing.

Life is full of so many details. Take out the trash. Vacuum the floor. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Wash the dishes. Spend time having fun with your kids. Go on a bike ride. Phone a friend. Hurry off to an IEP meeting.

I always got consumed by the details of life. I could never envision myself as part of a larger plan. How could little, overwhelmed me ever be a part of God’s great plan of reconciling the world to himself. After all I had no time for Him – I have all this stuff to accomplish.

Seeing the big picture – viewing my life and other’s as God does, is difficult. I would focus on everything at once and this paralyzed me. I was stuck. I was unavailable to God. My eyes were fixed upon my personal microcosm.

The last several years have been quite a change. I decided to make myself open to what God wanted and not what I wanted. I opened my mind to the big picture. Now I was seeing the big picture. It was amazing and enthralling and I chose to be a part of it. God’s kingdom is huge and there is room and purpose for each member of His body.

Not only did I decide that I was going to get behind Christ – everyone else was too. Sitting out was not an option. Total commitment was the end goal. Was I finally seeing the “forest through the trees?” Perhaps.

What I am learning is that trees are important. The author of Green Letters stated this well. If trees are not thriving and strong – they become weak. New growth needs to be solidified. An oak takes 70 plus year to become strong and mature. A squash only takes six months. Trees experience great growth in the summer – but it takes the whole year for that growth to become substantial. Trees need time and nurturing so that they can weather a storm.

Gardening takes investment which means time. An untended garden may produce fruit – some tomatoes may not be choked out by the weeds or survive the blight acquired through poor soil. Some tomatoes look as if they are going to make it – they appear miraculous among the chaos of an uncultivated garden. Then, at harvest the black rot is reveal. It is is ruined. Some are left too long in the field – over-ripen and ruined. It should have been harvested sooner and put to good use.

It seems as if I lost sight of the trees in the forest in order to see a bigger picture. I wonder then, is it bad to see the forest through the trees? No, I think not. It is great and so motivating. However, losing sight of the trees or how the trees are doing is dangerous.

Seeing the greater plan is a motivating blessing. Seeing the trees in the plan is a greater blessing. This is the work that God has set in motion in my life. I can taste the fruit of His work with hopeful anticipation.  I sit in the wonder of it all. I wait for understanding.

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