The Heart Matters

TOILETS…I never realized just how great a role they play in my life. The past several weeks I have had some pretty excellent potty times.

I know, this is totally too much information for you all – especially when you understand that I am an adult and have been one for quite sometime, but please bear with me for just a few moments and I think you’ll begin to see why toilets have such importance.

I guess it first started about ten years ago in a Home Depot. Evan, Seth, Noah and I were shopping for some item for a home improvement project. I was wandering the aisles searching for just the right faucet for my new kitchen sink.  All three of the boys were at my side, or so I thought.  I turned the corner to find one of my sons, who shall remain nameless, sitting upon this porcelain throne. He was taking a “dump.”

I gathered all the children and waddled (I was about seven months pregnant with Henry) as quick as I could out of the store. We fled, not telling a soul what had happened until that fateful night in cell where I spilled the “beans.” 

Ever since that revealing evening, toilets have been making their presence known in my life. Perhaps, it is like some sort of “Ghost of Commode’s Past” haunting me and reminding me of my spineless ways – relentlessly mocking me with reminders of cowardice past. Or it could just be some odd coincidence?

Oh and those automatic flushing toilets – let me tell you – they have minds of their own. Those suckers flush on you at the most inopportune moments – leaving a startling freshness that only a bidet should offer. Anyway, some how the handicap guardians saw to it that I should suffer at their hands for always taking the handicap accessible stall. I was flushed and “that was that.”

The most precious thrones by far were the toilets that I encountered while in Kentucky during a recent retreat. Both the toilets at the hotel and the convention center were pristine as only the mother of four sons could understand. These seats appeared to never have been tainted by the christening of urine or dribbles of “pee-pee.”

I lingered just a moment and gazed into the pristine white paradise, not a stain to be seen.  At that moment, I understood a little something about heaven – right here on earth. I experience pure and simple joy – the pure and simple joy of undefiled porcelain!

Additional Information

After reading the articles found on Katey’s Corner concerning the four temperaments, I decided to read the books that she recommended. She suggested these books: O. Hallesby’s Temperament and the Christian Faith and LaHaye’s Spirit-Controlled Temperament. Both of these books are no longer in print, but I found gently used copies at Half.com for a reasonable price. I especially enjoyed reading LaHaye’s book as he addresses “how to be filled with the Spirit and to walk with the Spirit.” These topics were weighing heavily on my mind. I had just returned from a retreat where the work of the Holy Spirit and the work of Christ was discussed as pertaining to the growth of the church. It is the work of Christ to grow the church and this is accomplished through Spirit-filled and Spirit-lead Christian workers.  This is some of what LaHaye had to say on the subject:

So what should someone expect who is filled with the Spirit?

Foremost, he should display the traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23:

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Second, he should have a joyful, thanksgiving heart and a submissive spirit as in Ephesians 5:18-21:

Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The same results flow out of a Word-filled life as found in Colossians 3:16-18:

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.  Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.

Third, the Holy Spirit empowers us to witness (Acts 1:8):

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

Finally, the Holy Spirit will glorify Christ (John 16:13-14):

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by telling you whatever he receives from me.

The Holy Spirit does not glorify Himself, but Christ. LaHaye points out that anytime anyone other than Christ receives the glory you can be certain that is was not accomplished under the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

How To Be Filled With The Holy Spirit?

Look back at Ephesians 5:18. Paul uses the imperative form of the Greek verb meaning “to be filled.” We are commanded to be filled with the Holy Spirit; this is not an option for the disciplined Christian. God makes it possible for His children to fulfill his commandments. LaHaye gives us five steps (which he calls “simple”) to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

• Self examination. (Acts 20:28 and 1Corinthians 11:28)

Acts 20:28 So guard yourselves and God’s people. Feed and shepherd God’s flock—his church, purchased with his own blood—over which the Holy Spirit has appointed you as elders.

1Corinthians 11:28 That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking the cup.

This examination is not to see how well you measure up to your brothers and sisters in service and character, but rather to determine if the fruit of the Spirit is evident in your life.  If not, that believer needs to seek the source of that – namely what sin is holding him back from bearing fruit.

• Confession of all known sin. (1John 1:9)

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

This confession will restore you in a right standing before the Lord and He will fill us as the Spirit fills cleansed vessels.

• Submit yourselves completely to God. (Romans 6:11-13)

So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus. Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.

To be used by God one must first make himself available. How God uses someone is not determined or dependent upon that person’s abilities. If there is something that you are unwilling to do with your life, then you are holding out on God and this limits the Spirit. Also, resisting the Lord through rebellion is also stifles the filling of the Spirit. At Kadesh-barnea Israel hardened its heart and most were not permitted to enter into the Promised Land or the rest of the Lord. Where do you refuse to serve or to go?

• Ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit (Luke 11:13)

So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

We never need to wait for the filling of the Spirit – all we need to do is ask for His filling.

• Believe that you are filled with the Holy Spirit and Thank Him for His filling! (Romans 14:23 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Romans 14:23 But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and whatever is not from faith is sin.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Believe that you are indeed filled with the Spirit; do not doubt for this is unbelief and unbelief is sin. Do not wait for your feelings to align with what is true. If new believer had to wait for their feelings to align with the fact that they are saved then many or most would never be saved. We need to take Christ at His words in Matthew 25:35.

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.”

Well, that about covers what LaHaye has to say about being filled with the Spirit. Later I will write about “walking in the Spirit.” Then, finally I will interact with this material as it pertains to being used by the Spirit and how the Spirit will grow Christ Church.  Well, that is at least what I shall attempt.

Additional Information

From Eve to present, women have been viewed as the “thorn in the side” of men; the daughters of Eve have been characterized as manipulative, deceptive, and even inferior. Was it not Helen of Troy who “launched a thousand ships” and caused the destruction of the glorious city of Troy? Did not Cleopatra seduce noble Marc Antony into betraying the Roman state? Yes, even the extravagance of Marie Antoinette was blamed as the cause of the French Revolution. Many purport that the Hebraic Old Testament is the source for this misconception; nevertheless, this very source is the foundation by which this assumption is refuted. The Old Testament books of Ruth and Esther support this refutation. These books reveal how these two women were used to dramatically affect the future of the nation of Israel in similar yet different manners. Through these women the promise of the Messiah was fulfilled, even though they were drastically different in background, in character and in situation.

Exactly what sort of backgrounds did these women have? Ruth was not a Hebrew; in fact, she was born of a race descended from an ancestor common to both the Hebrews and the Moabites. The Moabites were descended from Lot, nephew of Abraham, and from Lot’s elder daughter as told in Genesis 19:30-38.

(Ewww…yucky, yucky ancestory)

Afterward Lot left Zoar because he was afraid of the people there, and he went to live in a cave in the mountains with his two daughters. One day the older daughter said to her sister, “There are no men left anywhere in this entire area, so we can’t get married like everyone else. And our father will soon be too old to have children. Come, let’s get him drunk with wine, and then we will have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.” So that night they got him drunk with wine, and the older daughter went in and had intercourse with her father. He was unaware of her lying down or getting up again. The next morning the older daughter said to her younger sister, “I had sex with our father last night. Let’s get him drunk with wine again tonight, and you go in and have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.” So that night they got him drunk with wine again, and the younger daughter went in and had intercourse with him. As before, he was unaware of her lying down or getting up again. As a result, both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their own father.  When the older daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Moab. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Moabites.  When the younger daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Ben-ammi. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Ammonites.

Esther on the other hand, was of Hebraic origins. Ruth becomes associated with the Hebrews through her marriage to Mahlon, the son of Elimelech and Naomi, who were Ephrathites from Bethlehem. Where Ruth was a foreigner living among Hebrews, Esther (also known as Hadasseh) was a Hebrew living among foreigners, known as the Persians. These women were not contemporaries. The time peroid in which the narrative of Ruth takes place was during the reign of the days of “Judges.” It is speculated that Ruth lived as a contemporary to the Judge Gideon, assuming that Ruth was the great-grandmother of David and that David began his rule in 1010 B.C. which places Ruth in the latter part of the 12th century.

(Oh the pain of details and grounding theology in history!)

Five hundred and twenty-seven years later in 483 B.C., the story of Esther occurred. This date is derived from the assumption that the Ahasuerus mentioned in chapter one of Esther was none other than the Persian King Xerxes, who reigned from 485 B.C. to 465 B.C. In Esther 1:3, it states that Xerxes gave a banquet in the third year of his reign which gives the date of 483 B.C. as when the Book of Esther historically begins.

Though these women come from different backgrounds, their moral characteristics are somewhat similar, yet again they are ultimately different. Ruth was extremely faithful to her mother-in-law, Naomi. Whether this loyalty stems from the tradition of her people, as Ruth’s sister Orpah also desired to follow Naomi to Bethlehem, or from her acceptance of the Hebraic God Yahweh, is difficult to discern. Nonetheless, Ruth did indeed follow Naomi from her native land to provide for her widowed and heirless mother-in-law.

Esther’s loyalty, in comparison, was more patriotic than personal (or so it seems). Even though Esther was silent regarding her nationality upon assuming the position of queen, she does portray a slight element of loyalty to her people. True, Esther did enjoy special privileges above and beyond those of any of the exiled Jews. In fact, Esther, elevated to the position of queen (Esther 2:12-20), probably participated in many “unorthodox” Persian ceremonies and customs, which were contradictory to her Jewish background. (And that is stating that mildly!) Granted, Esther was deceptive in concealing her heritage from Xerxes; yet, when the occasion arose for her to intercede for her people, she acted appropriately (so, she was coaxed a bit) and revealed her heritage and supplicated the king to spare not only her life, but also the lives of her people. She saved them from certain genocide.

However, though both Ruth and Esther possess the characteristics of loyalty, these women had dramatically different relationships with their God. Ruth, although a Moabite, swore to Naomi that “her people would be my people” and that “her God would be my God.” Ruth totally denounced her people and her gods to follow Naomi. Ruth placed herself under Mosaic law so as to provide for the needs of her mother-in-law; she even went as far as to actively seek a Levirite marriage (Deut. 25: 5-6) so that Naomi’s inheritance could be obtained. Ruth continually shows her devotion to her mother-in-law and to Yahweh, by being obedient to Naomi’s every request. Thus, Ruth was persistently and actively seeking God and to do God’s will.

Esther, on the other hand, was among the disobedient Jews who did not return from exile to the “Promised Land.” She did not attempt to keep the Mosaic law. If it can be assumed that the Queen of Persia was in accordance with the local custom, the Esther most likely ate unclean animals and practiced unlawful customs. The only reference in the narrative of Esther to any Jewish custom practiced by Esther was the act of fasting in Es 4:15-17. Therefore, it is apparent that Esther lacked in an active and personal relationship with God while Ruth pursued one.

Thus, it seems that Ruth and Esther were both involved in rather separate relationships with the Hebraic God, Yahweh. Despite this difference, God used both women to fulfill the promise of the Messiah, if it can be assumed that Jesus of Nazareth was truly this “Savior.” Ruth, after she wed Boaz through Levirite marriage, became the mother of Obed. Obed became the father of Jesse, who became the father of David. Jesus Christ’s lineage, through Mary, is traced to David (Matthew 1:1-16). Christ is therefore call the “Son of David” (Matthew 15:22). As mentioned in 2 Samuel 7:16 and Revelations 20:4-6, Christ will some day return to earth and will sit on the throne of David as the millennial King.

2 Samuel 7:16

“Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever.”

and

Revelations 20:4-6

Then I saw thrones, and the people sitting on them had been given the authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for their testimony about Jesus and for proclaiming the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or his statue, nor accepted his mark on their forehead or their hands. They all came to life again, and they reigned with Christ for a thousand years. This is the first resurrection. (The rest of the dead did not come back to life until the thousand years had ended.) Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. For them the second death holds no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him a thousand years.

Ruth’s part in fulfilling the prophecy of “Christ” is obvious, where Esther’s role is not quite as apparent. Esther does not have any place in the direct lineage of the Messiah. Her contribution to the fulfillment of the “promise” is that she interceded on behalf for her race, the Hebrews, who faced certain extinction as a direct result of the decree of Haman, a high ranking Persian official in Xerxes’ court.  Haman ordered a massive execution of thousands of Jews; this decree could “thwart” God’s plan of salvation for the nations through the Jewish nation.

However, as seen in Job 42:2, God cannot be “thwarted.” God placed an orphaned Jewish girl in the esteemed position of queen, and through her, he preserved His people through an unlikely set of circumstances. Esther, against the custom of the Persian people, approaches King Xerxes without having been summoned; if the king was displeased by her appearance, she would have faced death. However, the king was pleased and pardoned her intrusive presence.

At a second banquet, Esther requested that the king spare her life and the lives of her people. The king consents and Haman is hanged for his evil plots. God had, in His sovereignty, worked in various circumstances so that the Jews could be delivered.  And through their deliverance from certain extinction, the Hebrew nation continued; thus, God rescued the Jews from extinction so that he could fulfill His promise of the Messiah through His Chosen People, Israel. Therefore, it is evident that both Ruth and Esther were instruments in the fulfillment of the promise of the Messiah, the Son of David and Israel.

Although Ruth and Esther come from different historical backgrounds and have different moral characters, God used these women to prepare the circumstances necessary for the coming of Christ as promised in the scriptures by the prophets. Yes, God was not biased in His perception of women. Regardless of the general consensus of the religious leaders of the day who rejoiced that they “were not born a woman,” God found that or determined that these two women were vital (or at least honored) in fulfillment of  His plan of redemption for all men and dare I say women. Therefore, even though many a man (or woman) may regard certain people or races of people as inferior or as meddlesome or even worthless, God used these very people to work His plans out into completion.

So, are you available to be used by God as well? Do you willingly pursue His purposes or do you need more coaxing?

Additional Information

Well – it happened again! I shouldn’t be surprised though.  This is what happens when I get my hands on some sort of project – especially ones that belong to other people, namely my kids.

Henry had to enter a poster contest in school in honor of Earth Day. He had weeks to work on it and to plan out his poster. Each day I would remind  him to work on it. He was always too busy or distracted to work on it.

Then Monday morning arrived – the morning of his deadline.  I woke Henry early and had him work on his poster before school. He (or should I say “we”) had 15 minutes to work on it. I hurriedly sketched out a design and he placed the words on the paper. We scribbled colors into the shapes and finished the poster. I thought it was mediocre – at best. I sent him to school with both the poster and these words, “You’d better not win – you don’t deserve to win! If I had not helped, you would not have even have received school credit. You are lucky to not get a zero.”

At the time, I felt that the verbal scolding has some how “taught him a valuable lesson.” Ha! I am the one to learn a terrible lesson. My son now is receiving an award for something which he barely exerted any effort! School is a breeze for Henry, relationships come easy – oh, and now a poster contest! He won a position of five among 635 entrants. This is outrageous.

I am already struggling to reform this little monster – who has quite an amazing ego.  He daily comes home with tales of his victories and great accomplishments.  He sizes up his classmates – and I believe that he fully intends to make a play for the popular “in” crowd. I am aghast!

My inability to allow my eight year old son to suffer consequences of his choices is adding to his enormous ego! To parent or to lead someone is the ability to allow someone to fail and the grace to guide them and encourage them through their suffering. The loving thing is to allow your child to experience discipline and suffering. 

The consequences of my actions and lack of forethought and planning on one cold, dark February morning, now have ramifications on this bright, sunny spring afternoon.

What makes this terrible is that Noah won this same contest – two years earlier. He worked hard on his poster and planned.  I did help him with his lettering, but the work and concept were totally his. Noah actually worked towards his prize. Henry on the other hand did not.

In light of my failure, I am resolved to learn and to act with more wisdom. Today is the time to think, to plan and then to act!

Additional Information

I have long asked this question, “Should I stay or should I go, now?” Many a time, as I hear the Clash belt out this song, my heart sings out and yearns to go. At other times when no one is around – I shamelessly yell out the lyrics imagining myself on the pinnacle of decision. I find myself shouting, “GO, GO, GO!”

I have often wondered if Steve and I have made the right decision – if we should have tried harder to get “it together” so that we could have gone to the mission field to serve at the side of our long time friends, the Gibson’s. At times I still wonder, “Should I stay or should I try to go, still?” Even now I am tempted to find a way to go, especially when Amy expresses her inner desire to have me at her side -once again. I too desire to serve at her side.

This morning at the missions’ prayer meeting, spiritual warriors gathered together to carry on the fight. As every good soldier knows, strategy is the key to victory. Soldiers need to be equipped and the troops need to be rallied. Today we discussed mission mobilization. I decided to share an article that I read in Mission Frontiers from the January – February 2008 issue.

In the article, Find Your Role In Mobilization, Steve Shadrach asks the question, “Are we all called to missions? Or is there something the Muslims and Coca-Cola know that we don’t?”

In this article he recalls a time in China where students from an elite university were clamoring to hear of Jesus.  These unreached people were eagerly seeking to hear of salvation and hundreds were accepting Christ as their personal savior. Yet here in America it is difficult to even broach this topic with even your closest friends and neighbors.

Shadrach (Not associated with Meshach or Abednego) realizes that he has a greater purpose – he realizes that he has been “called to stay.” He is called to serve as a missions’ mobilizer.

He says,”But as it relates to God’s call on every Christian’s life, don’t you think we should have just as strong a call to stay as we do to go?” So the answer for Shadrach is that all are called to missions, but some are “called to stay.” Have Steve and I  been called to stay as well? Could our mission’s call be as part of a team of mobilizers? Have you been called to stay as well?

Mobilization includes the following three aspects:

1. Recruiting believers to acquire this world focus.
2. Training believers to be more equipped so that they can fulfill their calling.
3. Connecting people with the right resources and information so that they can do their part in “Great Commission.”

The article listed some excellent equipping resources that are readily accessible to anyone desiring to build their “Kingdom Perspective.”

1. The Perspectives Course.
2. The INSIGHT Program, geared towards high school graduates.
3. Publications like, Mission Frontiers, Global Prayer Digest, and International Journal of Frontier Missiology.

The article concludes with some amazing insights that we can glean from the world. Muslims are investing huge sums of cash at American Universities and offer to endow these institutions with Departments of Middle Eastern Studies. They build mosques across from these universities and are winning American college students to the Islamic faith.

 As we know, college students are at universities to learn. They are more easily won at this time in their lives than at any other.  With our new college ministry taking off now, we have entered into the territory of the enemy. Satan does not want to give Christ a foothold in his territory – the college campus. These students too have been called to stay and fight here at home on the college campus.

Coke Has A Plan. Do You?

A rumor has been circulating that Coca-Cola has a business plan to get a cold coke within a one mile reach of every person on earth. Do we as believers have such an industrious goal for the gospel?

Christ said that “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.” That means if Coca-Cola has the resources to get a coke within one mile of every person by the year 2020, then should we as Christians not also have even more resources to get the gospel to those who are as yet unreached? The answer should be “Yes!”

Just imagine if the college ministry is able to reach those international students who have come here to learn. Many of these students, like the Chinese Steve Shadrach met in China, are clamoring to learn of Christ. They are looking for answers.

In the 90’s Steve and I were actively involved in International Student Ministries. International students are here for four or more years and most never see the inside of an American’s home. Most are open to bible studies in order to both improve their English and to learn about Christianity. This is frontline warfare here in our own country.

So should I stay or should I go, now?  Stay – the answer is stay. I have been called to serve at the side of Amy here in Northeast Ohio. For who knows, this little Saturday morning prayer group could move many to go – even thousands!

Additional Information

Blog, Blog, and Blog.  What is blog?  This was the question presented last night at a  “basecamp” tutorial.  Several women, equipped with laptops, notepads and what I describe as “tude,” spent last night venturing into the world of binary code and electronic media. What a journey of enlightenment that was! What an evening of angst, pain and even laughter. Oh and what a gas!

To answer the first question, a “blog” is an abridgement of the words “web log.” A web log is generally a commentary on current events and trends or other materials such as movies, music and sports.  It can also be sort of a personal journal that logs the events of someone’s daily activities. It can also be used to document personal insights someone may have concerning moral or spiritual issues. It can be a place where one writes about what God has revealed to someone through the truth of His written word, The Bible. All in all, it can be whatever the writer desires for the benefit of self and for others.

Another question that was asked was, “What is a Blogosphere?” A blogosphere is a term that refers to the interconnectedness that blogs have within a defined community or a social network.  NeoBlogs is an example of a Blogosphere.

After we answered the fundamental questions, the quest for competency continued. These zealous students only whined and feigned disinterest to challenge those leading the tutorial. In reality they were quite excited by the new challenges and opportunities placed before them.  The highly energetic women, full of enthusiasm, delved into the this brave new world with unabashed courage. Surely a positive charge was in the air. In fact the one, full of quips, had to be restrained from injuring herself she as was so filled with joy at the prospect of creating a blog entry.

Alas and alack, a wrench was thrown into the midst of the women’s jubilation. They could not access the outside world as the “Code-keeper Steve” was not around and his ever so sweet, charming and faithful companion was not permitted such lofty knowledge. Fortunately, these clever women could not be discouraged.  They sought out another link to the world and gained access to the wireless net. (Go girls!)

The next endeavor was to get the jabber/Pandion instant messaging up and running.  This seemed also to be a roadblock as the IM Jabber administrator had yet to attempt such a feat as she had received no instruction or training in this matter.  (The code-keeper has been really busy.) But, once again, Lady-enlightenment graced the eager students with victory and accounts were set up and connections made! Such a great celebration (of what should have been silence broken by the sound of “keys” being struck.) ensued. Instead due to the close proximity of the women (they were all sitting around a table IMing one another), the room filled with laughter and conversation.

The industrious women grew weary.  Straining to grasp and conquer these new concepts, they had expended their energy. Tired, yet inspired, the women collected their supplies and reluctantly returned to their homes.

That night, as they all slept, visions of “110001111″ and “00110011,” danced about in their heads.  New terms, like “Pandion, Blogosphere, NeoZine,” jumped in and out among the strings of numbers. The scene was so hypnotic and soothing. Each woman, anticipating the dawn of a brave new world, slept soundly that night.

Additional Information

Yesterday was report card day for the Falls Middle School students. This day is of interest to me as I have two boys who attend Bolich Middle School. In years past I have painstakingly monitored and given aid as needed or as I determined that these boys needed; however, since Evan has been in the sixth grade I have backed off and allowed him more independence – freedom. My helicopter days have ended.

At times I have been pleasantly surprised by how well they have done. At other times, I have been shocked at the “poor quality” and “lack of effort” comments written in the margins of the grade card of my eldest son.

Yesterday if I would have received an evaluation, mine would have read “poor quality” and “spastic effort.” This evaluation would be on my parenting skills.

First Seth handed me his report card. I knew that there was a strong chance that he had failed his math class.  A “D” appeared at the bottom of the report card, preceded by a line of straight “B’s.” I commented to Seth that I was proud of his effort and that it was good that he managed to move up from failing to a “D.”

Seth has never had a “D” in his life. He was very sad. I tried to be sad with him – but frankly I wasn’t. He needed to experience disappointment and failure at a young age – he is just so damned prideful.

All and all, things went well between Seth and I. With Evan it was an entirely different matter. I requested Evan’s report card – expecting him to forget it at school for days or weeks like he has done previously.  This time he promptly handed it to me. I scanned the grades and attacked him with both my words and my actions.

Instead of appreciating that he had actually given me the report card, I had criticized his grades, 2 “A’s,” 2 “B,” and 3 “C’s.” The margins read “average effort.”

I ordered him to clean his room and to get used to manual labor. I am so ashamed that I could be so hurtful – so thoughtless and uncaring. I was a monster – who was out of control.  After about only five minutes, I immediately felt remorse and sat in my room contemplating how to handle my major parenting blunder.

Meanwhile, Henry is attempting to “throw himself down the stairs” because I won’t give into his demands. I calmly tell him that he can do that and I can not stop him from hurting himself, but I will not change my mind. Then he attacks me verbally with, “You hate me, you want me to die.” I laugh out loud and say, “Henry you know I love you and that I have never said that I want you dead. You are so silly.” Henry seemed surprised by that response because I usually get annoyed or frustrated with him. Things were different this time.

Having pacified the “Tyrant,” I moved in to handle the mess I had created with my first-born son. I ask Evan if we can talk. At first he ignores my attempts to engage him. I persist, “Evan, you have every reason to be angry with me. I was unkind and hurtful. You did not deserve to be treated that way. I was wrong.”

He stopped cleaning his room and sat on my bed. We talked (amidst several intrusions by his younger brothers who were demanding my attention) about what had happened. I confessed that I reacted badly, but I did want to know what he thought about his effort.

He told me that he had tried and was “caring again” about his school work. I was confused and he told me how at the beginning of the grading period he had not completed assignments and that was why at least one of his grades was a “C.”

I turned the conversation from the actual grade to his effort. I asked him what he puts effort into.  He said, “Nothing.” I looked at my son and he had tears in his eyes. I so desperately wanted to touch him. I did so and told him that I loved him.  He seemed cry more.  I asked him to tell me what was on his heart – on his mind.  I told him that I loved him and that grades were not the most important thing – but caring about others and loving is. I told him I was sorry. I asked for his forgiveness.

He opened up with me about some things he was feeling.  He had some anger about how he is treated as compared to his brothers.  In a way, I had to say he was right about some things and wrong on others. I listened and affirmed what he said.  I asked more questions and tried to listen well. I let him know what I agreed with and what I disagreed with and why.

When he was done talking and I felt that he knew that I heard him, I asked if he had ever heard of temperaments.  He said that he had not.  I explained the concept and then I discussed the strengths of the phlegmatic and then the weaknesses. I asked if any of that sounded familiar.  He just laughed.  I did too.

I continued to talk about specific ways that his temperament is so good for our family – things I appreciate about him. I also talked about specific things that are problematic. He seemed to consider and appreciate what I said. We actually connected -  in spite of my terrible, initial reactions.

Evan embraced me and told me that he loved me. He said that he would give me a full hug and not a “guy hug.” I guess that makes me special.

Although I totally blew my initial interaction with Evan, I think that we truly restored the relationship. This conflict actually gave both of us time to discuss what we were thinking and feeling – to share ourselves with one another. I feel even closer to my son than I did the day before. I think he feels the same too.

Not that this excuses how I treated my son, but I am hopeful that I can change and thankful that I had the opportunity to connect.

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The sun beamed through the kitchen window. Coffee was brewing, a bit too slow for the woman in standing at the sink. Dishes from breakfast were piled in the sink, still encrusted with soggy bran flakes. The woman sighed and pondered. Is it too much to ask that bowls are rinsed and placed in the dishwasher?

Two boys hopped across the room. One sported sandy blonde hair, his collar poised upright and buttoned to the neck. His socks were pulled up and over his camouflage pants. His hair was quite a sight, uncombed with remnants of his breakfast matted in it. The other child, red hair gleaming in the light, bounced into his brother.  His shirt was tucked into his sweat pants which were pulled above his waist.  He had the appearance of an old man.  His socks also were pulled over his pant legs. A squabble erupted over “who bumped into who.”

The woman assessed their appearances and sighed. What a pair of boys! They had no concern about such mundane matters like appearance. She grabbed a comb and some de-tangle spray. Her attempts to tame the hair were met with squeals of anguish, but they soon succumbed to her intrusive preening. Almost all of the bran was removed from the youngest’s unruly mop.

Backpacks were grabbed and more bickering ensued. The woman guided the boys to the door, opened it and released them into the world. Her “peeps” bounded into the world oblivious to the inner struggle their mother was having. They had a new day and new adventures to experience. As soon as they left the presence of the woman, the boys spirits lifted and their care free manner returned.

The woman entered her bathroom and pulled her hair back from her face. She did not like what she saw and it had nothing to do with her appearance. As she brushed her teeth, she realized a terrible thing.  She did not accept the boys for who they are.  She had expectations that her sons needed to meet and they were not.

Earlier the red-headed boy had run outside to check his weather station. Instead of encouraging his interests, she frowned and pondered, “Why must he be so unusual?”  The youngest boy had eagerly followed his brother and they were engaged in a lively conversation. Had the woman joined in the excitement of the moment?  No, she merely hollered at them to get in the house to brush their teeth. She was annoyed with their carefree ways. There was a schedule to keep!

This woman was deluded. She had allowed herself to believe that she accepted her sons as they are. Instead her critical eye revealed the truth to her and to them that she judged the boys for who they were not.  She believed that if she kept a schedule and tended to their hygiene then she was expressing love and acceptance towards them. These boys were not who she desired them to be. And her actions let them know it.

Priorities. The woman had her priorities all out of whack.  She was looking at the outward things – the things that matter to the world and not to God. She failed to see the wonderful relationship that these two brothers had and were building.  She failed to value the matters of the heart. Her standards were so high and unrealistic that no one could attain them – let alone her sons. She is tempted to fall into defeat and despair.

Romans 7:24-25

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

This woman is a sinner – that is most evident. This woman is an heir to the Kingdom of God. She has been set free. She can have a change of heart.

Romans 8:1-3

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

The heart is a truly confounding thing. It is so easy to  be led astray when not seeking out the Lord’s perspective on matters. The woman turned to Psalm 119. It is full of the Lord’s wisdom.  This woman needs to mediate on the ways of the Lord and to seek His understanding – she must learn to see as the Lord sees. She must rejoice in the Lord always.

James 1:5

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Who is this woman? She could be just about anyone. She is someone who needs God’s wisdom. Lisa Beech needs to call upon the wisdom of the Lord and from a position of humility ask for understanding.

If you happen to see this woman or have ever walked such shoes as these, she’d love to hear your story, struggles or victories, those that are found in the real world of genuine love.

Lord, I ask for understanding. I desire – my heart desires to love these boys for who they are and to guide them in your ways. Thank you for giving your love to me.

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