The Heart Matters

Though the other speakers at Xenos Summer institute were motiving and effective at drawing out joy, Joni stood as a gleaming light set on a hill, a beacon of hope and joy to a world of evangelicals seeking purpose and significance. If you have a heart, it was broken while sitting at the feet of Joni. That heart was not lead into despair – Not on Joni’s watch. She, guided by the power of the Holy Spirit, moved the audience to a hopeful future through a journey of glorious dependance on and joy in the Lord –  for He is good.

Indeed after hearing Joni’s testimony and walk of faith, I am more confident than ever before just how loving, merciful, kind, and freaking good God is. “Rejoice in the Lord for he is good, His mercy does indeed endure forever and ever, ” so sings my heart three days removed from her inspiring speech.

Deeply desiring to pass on her words to those in my cell who were not able to attend and far too eager to wait for the CD recording or MP3 release and well aware of my inadequacies, I found a video of a speech that Joni delivered at another conference several years ago. It is not the extact one given by Joni in Columbus, but it is very similar in tone and content and worth watching – especially if you missed her at XSI. A simple recording may do, yet part of her message is conveyed through her countenance.

Enjoy and experience a renewed joy in salvation.

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Faithfulness. Duty. Obligation. These qualities are something that I embrace. Those who possess such a character are worthy and good. Right?

I was the dutiful daughter. From the fourth grade I did the laundry and mowed the lawn. Later, I came home and did my schoolwork. At times I watched my brothers and helped to make dinner. By middle school I had mastered dusting, ironing, vacuuming, as well as toilet bowls. I even made dinner at least 2 nights a week. By high school I added to my merits, employment, 4.0 GPA, volleyball, not to mention looking after an infant brother. I was a picture of duty and responsibility and I liked it that way. I felt some how superior to all around me for I could succeed and do well. They were all flawed and below par.

My brothers on the other hand were unruly and messy. They found trouble every where they went. They were some how happier than I. That just confounded me. I was the dutiful daughter. Why didn’t mom fret over me and pay attention to me? I was doing everything right. Why did she praise their good hearts over my service? Was not doing things well showing love?

So I leave high school and enter into the world of college. I was duty bound to do well in school and I did – for a while. Gradually there was a change in my perspective. A new world opened up to me. One without rules and it was like the wild west for me. So, many new realms to conquer. I knew I could do it – I could hang with the water polo team and not get burned. I could run wild across the Oval playing Frisbee football and still make it to class. No one could stop us – we had bikinis on and Miller Light in the cooler. Life had never been better. Who cared if I wasn’t going to Calculus. It was Spring quarter of my freshman year at The Ohio State University.

Ah, those are my prodigal roots. It only got worse into my sophomore year. With all my hard work squandered away, I now had opted to work in bars so I could have money to party and to buy whatever I desired. Life was good. Or at least it felt that way for a while. I felt lost and so full of guilt.

I was so grateful when I went to that first meeting. It was a home church meeting in Columbus. People were really connecting with one another. I was bewildered by the sense of love in the room. It wasn’t lust either. It was genuine care and concern – people were loving one another fervently from the heart. Their love boiled over and spilled into the lives of everyone in the room – especially me. My heart was moved. I was lost, but now was found.

God brought me back into His fold. I had forgotten how grateful I was to the Lord for saving me and once again my joy of salvation had been renewed. I resisted at first – but the love of God through His body is a powerful force. Oh the joy of salvation.

I keep thinking about the parable of the prodigal son. This son squandered away so much and yet he knew just how good and loving his father was. He didn’t hesitate to return home. He knew just how unworthy he was. He wanted to go home to serve in his father’s estate – even as a lowly servant. He ran home leaving behind his useless life.

Go Prodigal - embrace your roots

The other brother – who had served dutifully all the while was resentful that his father welcomed this irresponsible brat. He was outraged that this punk’s returned was celebrated. When was he going to get the recognition and glory that was owed to him for all his great sacrifice? How he seethed inside his heart.

Go prodigal. Embrace your roots. This is the joy of service. Will it hurt? Probably. Is it worth it. Definitely. Will you fail? You bet your bippy. The prodigal son understood something so precious that his older more dutiful brother did not. He understood how great the love of his father was – he wanted to be part of that world. A world where screw ups like him would be welcomed and honored as a son. This is the kingdom of God.

The kingdom of God is like nothing else. For those bound by duty and obligation, it is difficult to make sense of. That is just the point, I think. The rules are so contrary to the way things work out in our culture. Just because you do the expected or work hard doesn’t mean that you are a son or a daughter.

Love. Knowing and understanding that you are unworthy of love or any favor, yet knowing that God cares for you and accepts you – even if you squander it all, this is how God’s Kingdom is.

I know that I have sinful and unrealistic expectations of myself and of others. I know that I can only love people through Christ Jesus. I know that my life is going to be unruly and messy just like my brothers were. I also know that I will be happy and fulfilled – probably confounded – but God will create a new heart within me. And that is what is so amazing about grace.

I gotta go – it’s time to embrace my prodigal roots.

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Of all the salty snacks, popcorn is my favorite. However you pop it, whether with oil, air or microwave, I just love it. Serve it with a dash of lemon salt or a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Delicious. Don’t even talk about coating it with toffee or caramel. It must be one of the best foods God created.

Popcorn. God’s Word is like popcorn. It’s always good – no matter what the occasion. I just love to eat it up. Morning (especially when it’s leftovers and stale. Mmmmm), noon and night! I think I could never tire of popcorn.

There’s only one drawback to popcorn – the hulls! Sometimes understanding the truth – God’s word -  can be a lot like stuck popcorn. You need to be willing to exert some effort so that truth can be extracted and brought into the light so that some issue in your life doesn’t fester and halt your spiritual vitality. Sometimes a kernel of truth just gets plain stuck.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. Luke 9:24

Have you ever had a thought stuck in your head, wedged tightly inside like a popcorn kernel that is jammed between your teeth? Try to dislodge the kernel with your tongue. Poking and prodding, it burrows deeper into your gums. Your efforts are futile. You deceive yourself, believing that it is no longer there, only to find this hull as the source of tender irritation. In quiet desperation, you grab for a tooth pick or some dental floss. The source of the discomfort must be removed or decay is sure to follow. Floss works with popcorn hulls, but I have yet to find an easy remedy for what ails an unsettled spirit.

For several weeks I have been wrestling with the reality of failure. Real or perceived, failure in relationships stands out as paramount. I realize that I have a choice to make. Everyday we each have a choice to make, whether we are conscious of it or not. That choice is between two kingdoms, the kingdom of God and the kingdom of the ruler of this present world – who is Satan. As free-willed believers, we can choose what is important and how we are going to pursue significance.

In God’s kingdom, things are topsy-turvy. The least are the greatest and the greatest are the least. The kingdom of God belongs to children. In Jesus’ day children were not valued. They were not considered worthy of learning the law  until they were 12 or 13, and that was for boys. If you’re a girl, forget having any worth, except as a potential incubator for more sons, who just so happen to be men. His kingdom is for those deemed of no value by the world. The Kingdom of God is for middle-aged housewives.

In our culture, we grab and claw for what we deserve. I deserve a nice house with a patio heater and a fenced in yard for my kids. I deserve the best HDTV that money can buy. What that’s not a blue ray! What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you have TiVo? How can you live that way? The world says, “To be a success you must have the best. The best house, the best car, the best stuff and yes, the best, smartest and hottest spouse with exceptional kids to match.”

The Kingdom of God says, “Give your life away. Give your very self away. Here, take my life. I am so thankful. I deserve nothing.” In God’s Kingdom you give up your “rights” and the needs of others surpass your own. The world says, “Give me, give me, give me more! Damn it! I deserve! I am important and you are going to acknowledge just how great I am.” But there is deeper, more striking, difference between the Kingdom of God and the world. This difference has to do with how we relate with one another. It has to do with love.

“The kingdom of God is near! The kingdom of God has come to you.”This was the message Jesus preached to those He physically healed.  He came to make them whole – to make them born of spirit. This mission involved great sacrifice and a life lived without protective boundaries. A life lived for the Kingdom of God is not afraid of being hurt. It is not paralyzed by failure or suffering. It is a life overflowing with joy and exuding love. Like the man who sold everything for a pearl, this person is willing to give everything away – for the Kingdom of God is just that precious.

How can a person be of the Kingdom of God and still be unwilling to suffer for the only thing worth living – that being a life given totally to Christ and a role in ushering in His Kingdom? Why is suffering something, we as believers, are unwilling to endure – well, at least not for very long. Also, why do we accept one form of suffering? Endure it? Persevere with quiet dignity, and yet, another area of our lives is totally off limits? Or we reason, “Surely, Lord I have suffered in that area of my life more than enough.  Thank you very much. Let’s move along to this other more preferable – dare I say pleasant pain.” “Why can’t we choose?” Isn’t all suffering – suffering?

I have heard it said, “Only a cause worth dying for is truly worth living for.” The disciples learned this as they followed behind Jesus. His suffering led Him to die upon the cross. You see, He had a kingdom to establish here on the earth. Jesus had to suffer and to die in order to bring about a new plan. The disciples too learned that the Kingdom of God was the only thing worth living for – they also believed that God’s Kingdom was worth dying for. Nearly all were martyred.

The old plan was corrupt – imperfect and defiled by its very origins. It was built through and by the systems of the this fallen world. Its structures and rules were put in place long ago when Adam and Eve first followed their own desires to be like God, usurping His benevolent authority. Adam and Eve had bought into the Kingdom of Satan. Christ came to buy them out so that they could be of the Kingdom of God.

So the Kingdom of God is not only near, it is now. It is right now – especially in the presence of a body of believers. Not only are we to go out and share, under the authority and through the power of Christ, the Good News of salvation for all mankind, but we are also here to love one another fervently from the heart. We can experience the kingdom of God right now at this very moment in all circumstances.

God set up the structure of the church to meet our relational needs. Marriage closely mimics this structure, but it is not (as many believe) the fountainhead. The church is His body and is designed to meet one another’s needs. Marriage is good at meeting needs, but it can neither be as effective nor redemptive as the church is in meeting these needs. If I am fearful, concerned about saving myself from pain or the possibility of hurting someone because of my sin, then I am unwilling to step out into the realm of the Kingdom of God. Self-protective, I am unavailable to God. I have sided with the world. This is losing your life – the beautiful abundant life that Christ promised to those who belong to Him. Fear squelches love and joy is absent.

Love. God’s Kingdom can be summed up in four letters. Am I willing to lay my life down for those in this Body of Christ? Am I willing to trust God through faith and invest in others to the point of risking shame and failure? The greatest shame is being prideful and unwilling to suffer for the sake of another. Such a great loss it is to not be available to the work of God.

There are the perks to consider as well. Mark 10:28-30:

Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel ³⁰will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.”

Recently, I was lamenting about what I had “given up” to do some ministry. I looked back with fondness to a former way of living. I did all the special things Mommy should do with and for her kids. Be the room mother for Holiday parties, make those teacher gifts, craft home-made Christmas gifts for Grandparents, bake goods for school lunches, start from seed organically grown veggies and can produce in order to line the pantry shelves. I could go an and on with this list. Today I do very little of these “good mommy things.” My cry was that of Peter’s.

As I pick at this kernel wedged within my flesh, I realized that I am just beginning to live the abundant life. I have a glimpse of it here and there. It is so precious … truly it it more valuable than the things I did and lived before. I have a new sense of worth and it is not about making order out of chaos. In fact, if the truth be known, it is more chaotic than I ever thought I could bear and yet at the same time it all seems so much more clear – far more substantial than strawberry jam and canned applesauce – far more lasting. 

Do I have a clue what I am doing in pursuing ministry – growing in depth, breadth, height of love? Yes, I do – but it is not from myself at all (and I don’ t always do as I ought). I find that wisdom in the Word and through relationships and from spending time in prayer. Now, I am not saying that I get it. This Kingdom of God can still be such a mystery to me, but I am seeing more clearly how the pieces fit together. One piece at a time – the picture becomes more clear. The more I work with one piece I see how it fits with the others. 

Now that is better than TiVo any day.

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Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. 

 - Winston Churchill

Death as failure

If any leader could understand contending with failure and with bearing the weight of the criticism of the watching world, then Churchill fits the bill. He authorized the brutal bombing of Dresden, Germany. There are those who say that he should have been charged with a war crime due to the high loss of civilian life. I have read that the bodies of children were stacked seven to eight high as mass burials were prepared. Death – this must be what failure looks like. The world gasps in horror and sneers with mockery. Yet, Churchill continued as a brilliant, stable leader.

Under the leadership of the Lord, failure is anything but a lack of success. Often when faced with immanent failure, we as Christians comfort ourselves with Romans 8:28, 29.

 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son.

God’s purpose for our life is that we are to be made in his image – not to follow in the image of Adam – who fell away from relying on God and on God’s way of life. Adam became self-sufficient and self-centered. He had become dead in his sin. His life source had been cut off when he made this decision to follow His own plan. God desires to give us life – a life lived centered on Christ, who is now our life source. Christ wants to put the Old Adam to death and to give new, abundant life.

Often we become confused and childishly reason that some how our lives will work out the way that we desire. We love the Lord and He loves us as His children. What Father allows His children to suffer? Why should we experience loss – least of all failure? Why shouldn’t I have a “good life?”

In humility, we need to realize that Romans 8 is not telling us that the “future is so bright I gotta wear shades,” but rather acknowledge that God is working things out for our good and that good is to be conformed to the image of His Son, Christ Jesus. It is not about an absence of pain, suffering or failure. It is about becoming a new creation. That process involves more than a few bumps and bruises. That process involves death.

One way that God transforms our person is through failure – complete, abject failure. So often Christians just freak out and “lose it” because someone might notice just how freaking screwed up we are. Someone might just realize that I am one messed up dude. What then? Oh the horror of it all!

When we resist accepting our complete inability to succeed and to love others maturely, this is the true tragedy and loss. That is the genuine horror. For it is through the instrument of failure that God crafts and molds us as new creatures. Why the fight? Why all the rationalization and hysteria?

As a parent, I get the rationalizing and the freak sessions. What will others think? They will know I can’t do it. People will know that I don’t have it all together. I will be exposed as a fool and as weak. People may even talk about me. What if my parents were right about me? Just thinking about this makes my head explode.

God often uses the failures in our lives to turn us away from our self-dependence toward the living-giving source, who is Christ. Paul knew this well, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.” “No longer I, but Christ.”

God takes a wild, unruly natural man and breaks him down. God disciplines those that He loves. Failure is a huge part of that breaking. Failure prepares the servant of the Lord to love those that are “unlovable.” Before such breaking there would have never been patience or compassion for the weak. Through our suffering and failings the Lord transforms the haughty to humble pillars of gentle strength.

Last night my heart was troubled deeply as a sister in the Lord shared her struggles. I was terribly afraid for her and what lay before her. I wanted to take this burden from her. I sat in prayer and spent some time with the Lord.

I know that the Lord has great plans. Huge decisions – even suffering lay before this dear sister. This pain lay before all who seek out the Lord and who desire to become complete in Him. Indeed, the Lord has a great plan for her life – plan where he desires to transform her into something greater than she could ever be without this hurt. Of this, I am certain.

I think of Peter. He had just denied Christ and ran away like a pansy. What a failure this brash man was. Everyone knew it. Christ did an amazing thing. He entrusted Peter with the church. Jesus handed the shepherding of his flock to Peter – the one who had failed so greatly. Christ could have commissioned John with this mighty responsibility or any of the other disciples, but He entrusted the church to Peter.

That just blows my mind. Peter had to fall hard into the pit of despairing failure. His character – his person – was radically changed by this experience. The Holy Spirit surely strengthened it. So many lives were changed by the transformed, shepherding Peter.

So should we hide, deny or be ashamed of our failings? Never, by no means! Paul himself boasted in his short-comings:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

As Paul, so too ought we shout out our inadequacies and confess our failings to one another. For God knows what great plans he has for your life as His loved son or daughter. Then next time you mess up royally and fail – don’t sweat it, you’re in good company. God used Peter and he will use you as well. So the next time you fail, do it with enthusiasm.

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Vulnerability. Some value this quality in their friends and in themselves. More hold this characteristic with disdain. Not really sure which side I fall on. To share the details of one’s life at times seems so noble – exposing the soul for the sake of connecting with others who are searching and hurting – bridging the gap between individuality and community.

Other times, I wonder if it this just a desperate attempt for attention – to perceive self importance and communal significance – to share the dirt of one’s life just for the sake of becoming a spectacle. I just don’t know.

There are various aspects of vulnerability. The heart lays open and the inner secrets – the fears – the hope and dreams are revealed. We share our weaknesses with one another. But why? It is understanding that we are in search of? To be vulnerable places you in a position of weakness. You could so easily be hurt. It is risky. Dare you expose your heart to some one? What harm could they do?

I suppose the old adage misery loves company is so true. As humans, we experience so many common milestones. We all fall down and scrape our knees which bear life-long scars. Our young and eager hearts grow warm in anticipation of mutual affection – naive at first only to be hardened by heartache and betrayal. Deeper, darker scars are born. These are the wounds common to us all. These are pains we all share.

Christ calls us to bear one another’s burdens. The only way this is possible is to share our struggles and our joys with each other. Just what this looks like – I am not completely clear.

Seriously, we can’t all just walk around spouting off about all of our boo-boos, aches and pains. If you did, the next thing you’d know, it is that you are at a retirement home just waiting for it all to end. Or you’d be alone, having scared everyone away – with your black hole ways. Not how I picture bearing one another’s burdens.

So, how is a brother or a sister to share what is going on? How do you get those in your life to open up about their struggles? Just how does one walk this line? How can I effectively carry another’s burden? This just eats at me.

Relationships – why are they so scary and strange to me?  Why do I desire intimacy more than I can say? Why do I labor over seeming insignificant details? Why isn’t the path clear and straight? Why is it – that I flounder and flop – seemingly making progress, yet all the while treading water – keeping my head barely above the water?

Why is it that vulnerability is just so confusing? Is it just me or do others struggle with this?

Last night, I had an amazing evening with my sisters in Christ. Everyone was sharing what weighed on their hearts. It was a joyful time. It was also a time of sorrow. I am humbled by them – who they are. I just feel so unworthy and unable to love – to help carry the burden. I also feel so damned honored and thankful.

I suppose this is normal. This must be what the walk of faith is all about. I just can’t. I know that I am not able. I am grateful that Christ can.

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For weeks my heart has been heavy – the weight of my sorrow has been increasing, but what exactly is the source of this grief. I am not certain.

The phrase “failure to thrive” resonates within my head. Thoughts reverberating -  my mind wearied as images and perceptions are smashed against the bone of my skull. I am exhausted as failure thrives.

Memories of a failed relationship grip my heart. I see shadows and ghosts that reveal themselves in the dark corners. Darkness encroaches and unresolved conflict remains. Perhaps is it no longer perceived as conflict – because the feeling is gone. Perhaps nothing remains. Thus, the terror intensifies. This is heart ache.

I once had a dear friend – she and I were as different as the day is from night. I was loud, jovial and loved adventure. She was quieter, deep-thinking and goal-oriented. We even looked very different. I was the strawberry-blonde, vivacious girl of summer while she was the intense brunette who expressed herself best through her art.

I loved this woman. Well, at least I tried to love her. At times I think I successfully loved her. We were college roommates, ministry house buddies, and we shared many of our most joyful and sorrowful moments. We celebrated as she became engaged, and then wept bitterly upon hearing that her fiancée had hung himself. My poor, dear friend.

I asked her to be my maid of honor at my wedding – she accepted. We really did have many amazing times together. Even after I married we would get together – not as frequently as I ought or she needed. I recall one day that we did laundry together and watched Anne of Green Gables.

She told me that I always reminded her of Anne or of Laura Ingles – smart but explosive – a reactor with drive. I wonder if she knew how much that meant to me. I still cannot watch Little House or Anne of Green Gables without thinking of my friend – without crying. You see, I miss her.

My dear friend and I had this little problem – which grew into a huge horrible monster – devouring all in its wake. So many things were lost – relationships, unity and finally the entire small group of 10. (Small groups were a new “wine skin” that was put into practice in Xenos Columbus in the early 1990’s. They were to replace the Home Church structure.) The greatest loss, other than my friend, was the scarring on my heart which nearly made it impossible for me to be willing to love again. I was so afraid and discouraged – to the point of despair and of depression.

What happened (as best as I can explain) is this. My friend did not feel loved by me – I am sure some of that was legitimate – after all I was quite the silly, ego-centric infantile. She became visibly upset and hostile towards me in our small group and cell group settings. She would glare at me from across the floor or table – where ever we were – it did not matter.

The crazy bizzaro thing is that – she never told me verbally that I had hurt her. So, I decided that I would just let the “little baby sulk.” I decided that it was her problem and that she could just deal with her bad feelings and could come and talk with me. To be fair to her – I know I probably did something – but I did not actually know what the offense was.

The most shocking part of this story is not that two infantile women went at each other (in silence) – but what the Body of Christ did and did not do. That Body allowed us to come to meetings unresolved. She would glare and I would act  warm and friendly – oblivious to her pouting. I enjoyed acting like we were just fine. It was funny to see her tantrum in silence.

Not one person confronted either one of us. In fact, I later found that she went to the other women in my small group and talked to them and that they all agreed that I was not really her friend and that she could write me off.

I did not find this out until months later when I finally went to my friend to repent. I realized that I was in “sin” and had hurt her and that we were affecting the church. I hoped to reconcile. She informed me that she had forgiven me, but that we had never been friends so what was the point in pretending to be friends.

The relationship failed to thrive. As a result I failed to thrive and became as one dead. I was devastated. It took an enormous toll on my Christian walk. I ceased to grow. Not only did I lose a friend, I felt as if I could not trust the women in my cell. I locked my heart and threw away the key.

So why does this past failure weigh so heavily on my heart? Why now? My life and my sin is not unique. Relationships are so messy and sticky and we are guaranteed to hurt one another. There will always be people in our lives who are different from us and yet we are called by God to love them.

We as believers do not have the right to continue in sin against our brothers or sisters. As individuals we must repent. Our sin is like yeast and it will spread to others. Sin takes on a life all of its own. My home group disintegrated – it started with the conflict of two people – yet everyone got caught up in the fury of the storm.

As a body of believers, we must encourage one another so that we persevere in love and so that the deceitfulness of sin may not harden our hearts. If someone is hating someone else, go and talk to them. They may be able to be won.

Looking back on my broken friendship, I am so grieved. It did not have to end that way. We should have remained dear friends. Or at least friends.

So what causes a failure to thrive? In medicine this term refers to infants that do not put on weight or who do not grow as expected. Researchers believe that a cause is inadequate nutrition.

What feeds a believer? Scripture say it is:

…man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. – Deuteronomy 8:3

If we are not engaged in our word – getting fed – getting nourished we will not thrive – we will not grow – our development will be arrested. We cannot speak into someone else’s life when we are malnourished ourselves. We have to get fed. Plain and simple.

So what causes failure – to thrive? Not seeking out the Lord and his incite – not seeking out advice from mature brothers and sisters.We need to talk to others and to be open about problems and to be willing to hear things that we may not like. Things like:

“Hey, Lisa you are pretty evil – pretending that there is not a problem in your  relationships.”

“How can you say that you love God – when you obviously hate your sister.”

“How can you minister to others – when you are a deceived hypocrite?”

Oh – how I wish that someone had rebuked me in love – the goal to not only restore the relationship between my old roomie and I  – but also to build and transform my character. Oh how I long to be united in love with her – perhaps in glory – when every tear is wiped away – I will be able to stand face to face with her and rejoice that now we are unified – that all the silly barriers of the past have dissipated.

But for now – my heart bears the weight of that sorrow – of relational separation. What Jen and I meant for evil – God has used it for good. I now see so clearly that it is worth fighting for people and relationships. That love must prevail over fear and hate – oh that sin had not clouded my sight – oh that our relationship was restored,

Additional Information

Seeing the forest through the trees has always been a struggle for me. I get bogged down in the details of life. It is astonishing just how many details used to get in the way of building a vision for my life – for seeing the life that God sees for me.

The house is in disarray. Dust bunnies frolic among the dirt and debris left by my four sons and their friends. The kitchen is a dumping ground for assignments and shoes. The counter is cluttered with the remnants of both breakfast and lunch.

Kids need attention – lots of it. They have their struggles and worries and woes. They are becoming men. That is good. And yet, they are still children and need guidance and nurturing.

Life is full of so many details. Take out the trash. Vacuum the floor. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Wash the dishes. Spend time having fun with your kids. Go on a bike ride. Phone a friend. Hurry off to an IEP meeting.

I always got consumed by the details of life. I could never envision myself as part of a larger plan. How could little, overwhelmed me ever be a part of God’s great plan of reconciling the world to himself. After all I had no time for Him – I have all this stuff to accomplish.

Seeing the big picture – viewing my life and other’s as God does, is difficult. I would focus on everything at once and this paralyzed me. I was stuck. I was unavailable to God. My eyes were fixed upon my personal microcosm.

The last several years have been quite a change. I decided to make myself open to what God wanted and not what I wanted. I opened my mind to the big picture. Now I was seeing the big picture. It was amazing and enthralling and I chose to be a part of it. God’s kingdom is huge and there is room and purpose for each member of His body.

Not only did I decide that I was going to get behind Christ – everyone else was too. Sitting out was not an option. Total commitment was the end goal. Was I finally seeing the “forest through the trees?” Perhaps.

What I am learning is that trees are important. The author of Green Letters stated this well. If trees are not thriving and strong – they become weak. New growth needs to be solidified. An oak takes 70 plus year to become strong and mature. A squash only takes six months. Trees experience great growth in the summer – but it takes the whole year for that growth to become substantial. Trees need time and nurturing so that they can weather a storm.

Gardening takes investment which means time. An untended garden may produce fruit – some tomatoes may not be choked out by the weeds or survive the blight acquired through poor soil. Some tomatoes look as if they are going to make it – they appear miraculous among the chaos of an uncultivated garden. Then, at harvest the black rot is reveal. It is is ruined. Some are left too long in the field – over-ripen and ruined. It should have been harvested sooner and put to good use.

It seems as if I lost sight of the trees in the forest in order to see a bigger picture. I wonder then, is it bad to see the forest through the trees? No, I think not. It is great and so motivating. However, losing sight of the trees or how the trees are doing is dangerous.

Seeing the greater plan is a motivating blessing. Seeing the trees in the plan is a greater blessing. This is the work that God has set in motion in my life. I can taste the fruit of His work with hopeful anticipation.  I sit in the wonder of it all. I wait for understanding.

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This summer, I read Trina’s post about the DMT retreat being held at the Rock of Ages. I quipped at that time:

“Wow – I always wanted to go to the Rock of Rages.”  (Really, I did post that on BCII.)

Looking back to that silly post, now I realize that I must have somehow sensed the storm brewing in my heart. There was increasing intensity all about me. Dark and full of destructive force – Impending and dangerous – I thought I was not afraid. This was a storm that the spiritual realm was about to unleash – a storm that God foreknew – one that’s time had come to fullness.

Storms are full of such potential. They can be violent. They can be destructive, even frightening. A storm was approaching – clouds loomed in the distance. The wind howled, trying to tell me something – something that I could not hear. Was I deaf?

The waves crashed against the rocks – Erie awakened as never before. The destructive waves drew me in. The storm had been building potential. Soon it would be released. I saw the force of this storm – increasing in strength. Was I blind?

A young man, a father to be, someone I now call my friend, and I watched as the waves crashed against the rocky shore. I noted how beautiful a stormy sea can be. We watched the rage together. Did we see it? Storms can be beautiful.

The day continued. People were busy working on the details of their presentations. All the while, the storm was approaching – it was time to face the full force of what had been building.

Tensions were mounting, not only my own. Storms can be weathered – on a strong foundation. Was I standing on one? This storm had arrived.

I will not bore anyone with the drama and the pain – many of you witnessed my struggle. You also share my faith, my love and my hope. I will say this, Jesus Christ came to build His church and the gates of hell will not prevail.

I follow Jesus Christ – I listen to his words.

Matthew 16:18
And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.

Jesus had the authority and spoke the words to calm a raging sea – one on which Peter (aka Lisa’s NT boyfriend) walked. A storm can be calmed. I see now so clearly that storms can be beautiful. Christ commissions some of the biggest losers I know. He used Peter – bravado and all – to build His Church – not mine – His.  I have hope that Jesus can use me – to love others. I desire to be fervent in my love for others.

Luke 5:10 reads:

“Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.”

The details are fuzzy. That is okay. Where else would I go – for Christ has the words of eternal life. There is no where else to go. Indeed, a storm can be lovely in so many ways.

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