The Heart Matters

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. 

 - Winston Churchill

Death as failure

If any leader could understand contending with failure and with bearing the weight of the criticism of the watching world, then Churchill fits the bill. He authorized the brutal bombing of Dresden, Germany. There are those who say that he should have been charged with a war crime due to the high loss of civilian life. I have read that the bodies of children were stacked seven to eight high as mass burials were prepared. Death – this must be what failure looks like. The world gasps in horror and sneers with mockery. Yet, Churchill continued as a brilliant, stable leader.

Under the leadership of the Lord, failure is anything but a lack of success. Often when faced with immanent failure, we as Christians comfort ourselves with Romans 8:28, 29.

 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son.

God’s purpose for our life is that we are to be made in his image – not to follow in the image of Adam – who fell away from relying on God and on God’s way of life. Adam became self-sufficient and self-centered. He had become dead in his sin. His life source had been cut off when he made this decision to follow His own plan. God desires to give us life – a life lived centered on Christ, who is now our life source. Christ wants to put the Old Adam to death and to give new, abundant life.

Often we become confused and childishly reason that some how our lives will work out the way that we desire. We love the Lord and He loves us as His children. What Father allows His children to suffer? Why should we experience loss – least of all failure? Why shouldn’t I have a “good life?”

In humility, we need to realize that Romans 8 is not telling us that the “future is so bright I gotta wear shades,” but rather acknowledge that God is working things out for our good and that good is to be conformed to the image of His Son, Christ Jesus. It is not about an absence of pain, suffering or failure. It is about becoming a new creation. That process involves more than a few bumps and bruises. That process involves death.

One way that God transforms our person is through failure – complete, abject failure. So often Christians just freak out and “lose it” because someone might notice just how freaking screwed up we are. Someone might just realize that I am one messed up dude. What then? Oh the horror of it all!

When we resist accepting our complete inability to succeed and to love others maturely, this is the true tragedy and loss. That is the genuine horror. For it is through the instrument of failure that God crafts and molds us as new creatures. Why the fight? Why all the rationalization and hysteria?

As a parent, I get the rationalizing and the freak sessions. What will others think? They will know I can’t do it. People will know that I don’t have it all together. I will be exposed as a fool and as weak. People may even talk about me. What if my parents were right about me? Just thinking about this makes my head explode.

God often uses the failures in our lives to turn us away from our self-dependence toward the living-giving source, who is Christ. Paul knew this well, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.” “No longer I, but Christ.”

God takes a wild, unruly natural man and breaks him down. God disciplines those that He loves. Failure is a huge part of that breaking. Failure prepares the servant of the Lord to love those that are “unlovable.” Before such breaking there would have never been patience or compassion for the weak. Through our suffering and failings the Lord transforms the haughty to humble pillars of gentle strength.

Last night my heart was troubled deeply as a sister in the Lord shared her struggles. I was terribly afraid for her and what lay before her. I wanted to take this burden from her. I sat in prayer and spent some time with the Lord.

I know that the Lord has great plans. Huge decisions – even suffering lay before this dear sister. This pain lay before all who seek out the Lord and who desire to become complete in Him. Indeed, the Lord has a great plan for her life – plan where he desires to transform her into something greater than she could ever be without this hurt. Of this, I am certain.

I think of Peter. He had just denied Christ and ran away like a pansy. What a failure this brash man was. Everyone knew it. Christ did an amazing thing. He entrusted Peter with the church. Jesus handed the shepherding of his flock to Peter – the one who had failed so greatly. Christ could have commissioned John with this mighty responsibility or any of the other disciples, but He entrusted the church to Peter.

That just blows my mind. Peter had to fall hard into the pit of despairing failure. His character – his person – was radically changed by this experience. The Holy Spirit surely strengthened it. So many lives were changed by the transformed, shepherding Peter.

So should we hide, deny or be ashamed of our failings? Never, by no means! Paul himself boasted in his short-comings:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

As Paul, so too ought we shout out our inadequacies and confess our failings to one another. For God knows what great plans he has for your life as His loved son or daughter. Then next time you mess up royally and fail – don’t sweat it, you’re in good company. God used Peter and he will use you as well. So the next time you fail, do it with enthusiasm.

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Vulnerability. Some value this quality in their friends and in themselves. More hold this characteristic with disdain. Not really sure which side I fall on. To share the details of one’s life at times seems so noble – exposing the soul for the sake of connecting with others who are searching and hurting – bridging the gap between individuality and community.

Other times, I wonder if it this just a desperate attempt for attention – to perceive self importance and communal significance – to share the dirt of one’s life just for the sake of becoming a spectacle. I just don’t know.

There are various aspects of vulnerability. The heart lays open and the inner secrets – the fears – the hope and dreams are revealed. We share our weaknesses with one another. But why? It is understanding that we are in search of? To be vulnerable places you in a position of weakness. You could so easily be hurt. It is risky. Dare you expose your heart to some one? What harm could they do?

I suppose the old adage misery loves company is so true. As humans, we experience so many common milestones. We all fall down and scrape our knees which bear life-long scars. Our young and eager hearts grow warm in anticipation of mutual affection – naive at first only to be hardened by heartache and betrayal. Deeper, darker scars are born. These are the wounds common to us all. These are pains we all share.

Christ calls us to bear one another’s burdens. The only way this is possible is to share our struggles and our joys with each other. Just what this looks like – I am not completely clear.

Seriously, we can’t all just walk around spouting off about all of our boo-boos, aches and pains. If you did, the next thing you’d know, it is that you are at a retirement home just waiting for it all to end. Or you’d be alone, having scared everyone away – with your black hole ways. Not how I picture bearing one another’s burdens.

So, how is a brother or a sister to share what is going on? How do you get those in your life to open up about their struggles? Just how does one walk this line? How can I effectively carry another’s burden? This just eats at me.

Relationships – why are they so scary and strange to me?  Why do I desire intimacy more than I can say? Why do I labor over seeming insignificant details? Why isn’t the path clear and straight? Why is it – that I flounder and flop – seemingly making progress, yet all the while treading water – keeping my head barely above the water?

Why is it that vulnerability is just so confusing? Is it just me or do others struggle with this?

Last night, I had an amazing evening with my sisters in Christ. Everyone was sharing what weighed on their hearts. It was a joyful time. It was also a time of sorrow. I am humbled by them – who they are. I just feel so unworthy and unable to love – to help carry the burden. I also feel so damned honored and thankful.

I suppose this is normal. This must be what the walk of faith is all about. I just can’t. I know that I am not able. I am grateful that Christ can.

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For weeks my heart has been heavy – the weight of my sorrow has been increasing, but what exactly is the source of this grief. I am not certain.

The phrase “failure to thrive” resonates within my head. Thoughts reverberating -  my mind wearied as images and perceptions are smashed against the bone of my skull. I am exhausted as failure thrives.

Memories of a failed relationship grip my heart. I see shadows and ghosts that reveal themselves in the dark corners. Darkness encroaches and unresolved conflict remains. Perhaps is it no longer perceived as conflict – because the feeling is gone. Perhaps nothing remains. Thus, the terror intensifies. This is heart ache.

I once had a dear friend – she and I were as different as the day is from night. I was loud, jovial and loved adventure. She was quieter, deep-thinking and goal-oriented. We even looked very different. I was the strawberry-blonde, vivacious girl of summer while she was the intense brunette who expressed herself best through her art.

I loved this woman. Well, at least I tried to love her. At times I think I successfully loved her. We were college roommates, ministry house buddies, and we shared many of our most joyful and sorrowful moments. We celebrated as she became engaged, and then wept bitterly upon hearing that her fiancée had hung himself. My poor, dear friend.

I asked her to be my maid of honor at my wedding – she accepted. We really did have many amazing times together. Even after I married we would get together – not as frequently as I ought or she needed. I recall one day that we did laundry together and watched Anne of Green Gables.

She told me that I always reminded her of Anne or of Laura Ingles – smart but explosive – a reactor with drive. I wonder if she knew how much that meant to me. I still cannot watch Little House or Anne of Green Gables without thinking of my friend – without crying. You see, I miss her.

My dear friend and I had this little problem – which grew into a huge horrible monster – devouring all in its wake. So many things were lost – relationships, unity and finally the entire small group of 10. (Small groups were a new “wine skin” that was put into practice in Xenos Columbus in the early 1990’s. They were to replace the Home Church structure.) The greatest loss, other than my friend, was the scarring on my heart which nearly made it impossible for me to be willing to love again. I was so afraid and discouraged – to the point of despair and of depression.

What happened (as best as I can explain) is this. My friend did not feel loved by me – I am sure some of that was legitimate – after all I was quite the silly, ego-centric infantile. She became visibly upset and hostile towards me in our small group and cell group settings. She would glare at me from across the floor or table – where ever we were – it did not matter.

The crazy bizzaro thing is that – she never told me verbally that I had hurt her. So, I decided that I would just let the “little baby sulk.” I decided that it was her problem and that she could just deal with her bad feelings and could come and talk with me. To be fair to her – I know I probably did something – but I did not actually know what the offense was.

The most shocking part of this story is not that two infantile women went at each other (in silence) – but what the Body of Christ did and did not do. That Body allowed us to come to meetings unresolved. She would glare and I would act  warm and friendly – oblivious to her pouting. I enjoyed acting like we were just fine. It was funny to see her tantrum in silence.

Not one person confronted either one of us. In fact, I later found that she went to the other women in my small group and talked to them and that they all agreed that I was not really her friend and that she could write me off.

I did not find this out until months later when I finally went to my friend to repent. I realized that I was in “sin” and had hurt her and that we were affecting the church. I hoped to reconcile. She informed me that she had forgiven me, but that we had never been friends so what was the point in pretending to be friends.

The relationship failed to thrive. As a result I failed to thrive and became as one dead. I was devastated. It took an enormous toll on my Christian walk. I ceased to grow. Not only did I lose a friend, I felt as if I could not trust the women in my cell. I locked my heart and threw away the key.

So why does this past failure weigh so heavily on my heart? Why now? My life and my sin is not unique. Relationships are so messy and sticky and we are guaranteed to hurt one another. There will always be people in our lives who are different from us and yet we are called by God to love them.

We as believers do not have the right to continue in sin against our brothers or sisters. As individuals we must repent. Our sin is like yeast and it will spread to others. Sin takes on a life all of its own. My home group disintegrated – it started with the conflict of two people – yet everyone got caught up in the fury of the storm.

As a body of believers, we must encourage one another so that we persevere in love and so that the deceitfulness of sin may not harden our hearts. If someone is hating someone else, go and talk to them. They may be able to be won.

Looking back on my broken friendship, I am so grieved. It did not have to end that way. We should have remained dear friends. Or at least friends.

So what causes a failure to thrive? In medicine this term refers to infants that do not put on weight or who do not grow as expected. Researchers believe that a cause is inadequate nutrition.

What feeds a believer? Scripture say it is:

…man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. – Deuteronomy 8:3

If we are not engaged in our word – getting fed – getting nourished we will not thrive – we will not grow – our development will be arrested. We cannot speak into someone else’s life when we are malnourished ourselves. We have to get fed. Plain and simple.

So what causes failure – to thrive? Not seeking out the Lord and his incite – not seeking out advice from mature brothers and sisters.We need to talk to others and to be open about problems and to be willing to hear things that we may not like. Things like:

“Hey, Lisa you are pretty evil – pretending that there is not a problem in your  relationships.”

“How can you say that you love God – when you obviously hate your sister.”

“How can you minister to others – when you are a deceived hypocrite?”

Oh – how I wish that someone had rebuked me in love – the goal to not only restore the relationship between my old roomie and I  – but also to build and transform my character. Oh how I long to be united in love with her – perhaps in glory – when every tear is wiped away – I will be able to stand face to face with her and rejoice that now we are unified – that all the silly barriers of the past have dissipated.

But for now – my heart bears the weight of that sorrow – of relational separation. What Jen and I meant for evil – God has used it for good. I now see so clearly that it is worth fighting for people and relationships. That love must prevail over fear and hate – oh that sin had not clouded my sight – oh that our relationship was restored,

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Blog, Blog, and Blog.  What is blog?  This was the question presented last night at a  “basecamp” tutorial.  Several women, equipped with laptops, notepads and what I describe as “tude,” spent last night venturing into the world of binary code and electronic media. What a journey of enlightenment that was! What an evening of angst, pain and even laughter. Oh and what a gas!

To answer the first question, a “blog” is an abridgement of the words “web log.” A web log is generally a commentary on current events and trends or other materials such as movies, music and sports.  It can also be sort of a personal journal that logs the events of someone’s daily activities. It can also be used to document personal insights someone may have concerning moral or spiritual issues. It can be a place where one writes about what God has revealed to someone through the truth of His written word, The Bible. All in all, it can be whatever the writer desires for the benefit of self and for others.

Another question that was asked was, “What is a Blogosphere?” A blogosphere is a term that refers to the interconnectedness that blogs have within a defined community or a social network.  NeoBlogs is an example of a Blogosphere.

After we answered the fundamental questions, the quest for competency continued. These zealous students only whined and feigned disinterest to challenge those leading the tutorial. In reality they were quite excited by the new challenges and opportunities placed before them.  The highly energetic women, full of enthusiasm, delved into the this brave new world with unabashed courage. Surely a positive charge was in the air. In fact the one, full of quips, had to be restrained from injuring herself she as was so filled with joy at the prospect of creating a blog entry.

Alas and alack, a wrench was thrown into the midst of the women’s jubilation. They could not access the outside world as the “Code-keeper Steve” was not around and his ever so sweet, charming and faithful companion was not permitted such lofty knowledge. Fortunately, these clever women could not be discouraged.  They sought out another link to the world and gained access to the wireless net. (Go girls!)

The next endeavor was to get the jabber/Pandion instant messaging up and running.  This seemed also to be a roadblock as the IM Jabber administrator had yet to attempt such a feat as she had received no instruction or training in this matter.  (The code-keeper has been really busy.) But, once again, Lady-enlightenment graced the eager students with victory and accounts were set up and connections made! Such a great celebration (of what should have been silence broken by the sound of “keys” being struck.) ensued. Instead due to the close proximity of the women (they were all sitting around a table IMing one another), the room filled with laughter and conversation.

The industrious women grew weary.  Straining to grasp and conquer these new concepts, they had expended their energy. Tired, yet inspired, the women collected their supplies and reluctantly returned to their homes.

That night, as they all slept, visions of “110001111″ and “00110011,” danced about in their heads.  New terms, like “Pandion, Blogosphere, NeoZine,” jumped in and out among the strings of numbers. The scene was so hypnotic and soothing. Each woman, anticipating the dawn of a brave new world, slept soundly that night.

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