The Heart Matters

Toilet, toilet, and more toilets! I can’t seem to get away from the topic of toilets. My youngest two sons sing the praise of port-a-potties as they head out the door for school. They claim that they are the most amazing invention of all time!

Then I turn on the radio. Ugh….

For the second day in a row toilets have been making the headlines. This time it is the toilet in the International Space Station. How crappy is that? I mean – you are in the vacuum of space in this high tech tin can and there is no place to take a pee. Don’t even think about number two.

Seriously, where do you go when the toilet is broken? Port-a-potties are out of the question. So where can a guy get some relief? In a space jar? And is it even possible to pee into a jar in space with the whole “weightless” and low gravity thing going down? Who wants human waste floating by while performing some experiment or taking a nap? Just nasty, I say.

It is not as if you can go outside and take a leak on the bushes. The whole vacuum of space thing ruins that option. Since the “bush” option is out, NASA has pulled together a team of scientists to repair the malfunctioning “head.” They actually have an entire team of scientists working on this round the clock.

I heard that the shuttle launch maybe postponed so that necessary replacement parts will make it to the space station. I guess NASA does not just have spare toilet innards readily available – after all this is a very special space commode. It is the most expensive toilet in the world.

The way the news agencies are carrying on you’d think that the poor astronauts haven’t relieved themselves for days – that they are all hopping around trying to hold it until the cavalry appears with the supplies to save the day – when in fact a toilet has been rigged and the team is using the Soyuz head until replacement parts for the Zvezda service module toilet arrive on the next shuttle mission.

The Soyuz won’t hold much so look out earth – one wrong or enormous movement and “there she blows,” so to speak.

The earth awaits – holding her breath – and nose. Will the replacement parts arrive in time? Will the shuttle mission save humanity from its own filth? Will there be a reenactment of the “big bang?” Will someone suffer a bladder infection since they had to hold it?

Oh, the possibilities! I guess I will just have to tune in tomorrow for another update on Space Toilets.